Hm.
A year in the life...
It's been almost a year of the most tumultuous year of my life.
But who's counting?? (I'm really not...but there's always reminders along the way...and new milestones that mark the journey since that are by no means any less impactful.)
And you can see it on me.
I'm not harsh about it, but as I look in the mirror I see the weight of my burdens.
Figuratively and literally.
As I rummage through my used-to-be wardrobe I ask God for the grace to not beat myself up or break down crying.
There's a good reason why my face has broken out more than ever before.
And why the bags under my eyes are permanently painted on deeper and darker than ever before.
Why my body's lashing out on me in the form of seemingly chronic fatigue and every possible disbalance.
And those are just the exterior physical signs.
I assure you some days I swear you would see the walking dead dragging around if my exterior honestly reflected my interior.
Yeah, I feel like a total liar when I say "I'm doing fine, thanks!"...Which is why I really say that...if I do I'm just too exhausted to even take a peek at the broken insides.
My friend mentioned the word disassociation today and I've used it in the last year and a bit.
Even when I was on cloud nine I would forget that the joy was my own.
And now, amidst the muck, I see myself and can tell myself "You need to do this and this and this to be better..."
But then I realize that there is no formula.
I give it all to God as often as it even crosses my mind and I have no doubt that He listens and that He helps. Because He does.
Believe me, I know it could be faaaaaaaar worse.
My self-awareness is such that I don't deny the fact that my Lord has come down and embraced me, carried and has never forsaken me. His grace is more abundant than the ocean is wide and I feel like I've been using every single drop at my disposal.
Oh pitiful humanity, thou art a thorn in my side!!
Why must you slump around in your weakness and add to the pile of garbage that has already collected?
"THERE IS FREEDOM" they declare!!
THEN SHOW ME, ABBA!
SHOW ME!
I don't see it! I don't feel it!!
I feel You. I do. But why must I turn my back on your so absentmindedly?
YOU have conquered the grave.
YOU have overcome sin.
You TERRIFY the Enemy.
And you LOVE me.
And you pray for ME.
You cover ME.
You DELIGHT in me????
How can one unstick an ugly mole that has begun to ravage all its surroundings?
Surgically, I guess.
And with a decent and substantial amount of pain.
I just want it goooooooone.
And this is just the sin.
I haven't even mentioned the things that float around in my mind.
It is the mind of Christ.
Then for Heaven's sake, brain, ACT LIKE IT.
2 Corinthians 12:
"7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me (NOT of Father God), lest I be exalted above measure (fulfill my inheritance and purpose). 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. (waaaaaaay more than that....ugh) 9 And He said to me, “MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS." (WELL, heck, TAKE IT! JUST TAKE IT THEN!!) Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure (um...not quite yet there...take me there) in infirmities (of which there are many), in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses (re: bags under my eyes), for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
My guts don't like that. When I am weak...aka...right now...in every moment...I am...strong???
God, I gave this to you as soon as I could because I knew I could not survive it alone.
I just don't get what you're doing.
You take care of me. You really do.
I can feel the grace.
But yet there's this weight.
Take the stuff that isn't from you.
I can't bear it.
And I shouldn't have to.
But the dam isn't that strong.
Refinement...it doesn't suck. I can't knowingly say that. Because that's not what I believe in my heart.
Refinement...hurts.
The open heart surgery...the cancer removal is still in the process.
And in many ways, I feel like you've given me a shot of anesthetic to survive the worst of it...which comes in waves.
And I can deal with that... Your ways are so greater than mine.
But your "Bringer of Joy" doesn't feel like she's living up to her name sake.
Ha.
Well, then again, that Joy was all You. Always has been. And I still seem to make people happy...aka You still use me to make people happy...so thank you for still using this surgery patient.
For You are good.
Because You love me, You will rescue me-Ps 91
Oh rescue me, Abba!!
Yeshua. Yeshua. Yeshua.
Help me.
Your child is weak.
She needs your strength.
She can't seem to find hers.
It wasn't super anyway.
I'm in repair.
I'm still here.
But it's hard to sound like yourself but not feel like yourself.
You can only lie to yourself for so long.
And then your laugh sounds so fake it just upsets you.
SPRING UP OH WELL WITHIN ME.
We need all the back up we can get.
Captain and your guards? Guard this palanquin tightly. (Song of Songs)
I know you have more men around me then usual and you're all like super experts at this...but I seem to be letting garbage in...just don't listen to me. Kill it. Ask Abba. Not me. The Spirit within me groans and intercedes on my behalf (Romans 8)
Listen to Him. Not me.
Much obliged.
Lord, help me.
I need to be healed.
I want it all. You have so much planned for me, I can't even imagine it (1 Cor 2:9).
And You are so faithful, You're still leading me that way. But this needs to be gone.
And as we've already worked out, this is so Yours.
More grace Abba. More love. More You. And less me.
Oh, and thank you for the free Blackberry! It's the nicest material thing you could have given me :) It's beautiful!! You do take care of me, regardless of the rest of this message says :P You've got me. And thank you for these beautiful reminders and answers to prayer.
I don't doubt.
I will never doubt.
Just not get it :P
Thank you for being so great that your ways are beyond me <3
B
Romans 7 (New King James Version)
Romans 7
Freed from the Law
4 Therefore, my brethren, you also have become dead to the law through the body of Christ, that you may be married to another—to Him who was raised from the dead, that we should bear fruit to God. 5 For when we were in the flesh, the sinful passions which were aroused by the law were at work in our members to bear fruit to death. (SEE! RIGHT THERE!! IT SAYS IM FREE ENEMY!! GA!! Yeshua, cultivate this soooo firmly in my soul, mind and heart!) 6 But now we have been DELIVERED from the law, having died to what we were held by, so that we should serve in the newness of the Spirit and not in the oldness of the letter.
Law Cannot Save from Sin
13 Has then what is good become death to me? Certainly not! But sin, that it might appear sin, was producing death in me through what is good, so that sin through the commandment might become exceedingly sinful. 14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I DO NOT understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I DO. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, BUT SIN THAT DWELLS IN ME. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in MY FLESH---die flesh, DIE!) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. (the one reassurance--I can live without that gross stuff stuck on me)
21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O WRETCHED MAN THAT I AM! WHO will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I THANK GOD—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
And now, my favourite chapter in the Bible that is posted all over my walls...
JESUS--GET THIS IN MY head for it is engrained Spirit!
Romans 8
Free from Indwelling Sin
1 There is therefore now NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (ya. i know. HUH?), who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the SPIRIT (Oh how the battle continues on--thank you for fighting it for me...and for winning it for me). 2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me FREE from the law of sin and death.
3 For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, 4 that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. 6 For to be carnally minded is DEATH, but to be spiritually minded is life and PEACE (Yes!! please!). 7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. 8 So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
9 But you (Yes, ME, B!) are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. 10 And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11
But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.Sonship Through the Spirit
12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear,
but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.
From Suffering to Glory
18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the GLORY which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; 21 because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. 23 Not only that, but we also who have the first fruits of the Spirit,
even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. 24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25
But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.26 Likewise THE SPIRIT ALSO HELPS IN OUR WEAKNESSES. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
God’s Everlasting Love
31 What then shall we say to these things?
If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:
“ For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”
37 Yet in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth,
nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.Much love,
B
