Change

It's amazing how in a moment everything can change.

One decision.

On action.

One speech.

Even one word.

One look.

Situations.

Love.

Life.

People.

Everything can change.

Just like that.

Oh, and word of the week:

Surreal.

Resembling a dream: fantastic and incongruous.

And I'm not waking up yet.

Goodbye Waves and Driveways

Love this song:

(The Rocket Summer)

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

And don’t walk away...

A Princess in Comfortable Clothing

Well, the sentiments from my previous post "Smattering" are still pretty similar.

YAY.

But, things, at least from this semester are winding down, coming to a close, praise Jesus.

But there's still much much more to be done.

So many good things will be going on this summer. So so so many.

Four months always fly by like nothing.

My summers are never chill either.

They're always crazy.

But I look forward to the week that I will for sure have to just crash after finals are done! Boy oh boy that will be a divine week!

This is my remembering this moment, knowing that I will be blown out of the water this time next year when I look back at the end of my undergrad.

And oh what a beautiful and terrifying day THAT will be!

I know I'm rambling :P

It won't get any better.

There's just SO MUCH.

Eeeps.

I can't even start to sift through it.

Highlights tho are:

I love my family. Seriously. So much it hurts. I have the best family in the world, immediate and extended. Wouldn't trade them for the world. And I want them all to be happy, unified and at peace.

I love my friends. They make me laugh and help me not be too hard on myself or take myself/life too seriously. Who let me air out all my grievances and usually cry with the utmost patience and understanding. But somehow also make me feel like a millions bucks and make me topple over in laughter. I hope everyone gets to laugh as much and as hard as I do. How I ever got to keep these phenomenal ppl will always be beyond me!

I love my music. And even tho this semester has been tough...I don't know. It's there. And it always will be. It's going to do/be something more than I can imagine.

And I LOVE my Jesus, my God. I don't know. It's been different between us lately, hasn't it Jesus. But You're waiting for me. I know You are. Not judging. But waiting. Beckoning. Understanding. Loving. With such Grace that I don't understand. I mess up. Oh so much. Oh so very much. But You're always there. And even at my worst it comforts me. Perfect love casts out all fear. And He's there. Waiting for me. Loving me. Holding me. I just...don't understand this love. Wow. Thank you.

My, what a year it's been. The most tears. The most laughs. And up till now, the most love. I can't help but be happy. So very happy. Even in my imperfection. My mess. My frustration and lack of spark. I'm here. He's here. You're all here.

Amongst it all, I'm still the luckiest girl in the entire world.

How I'm going to get through everything that's to come in the next 4 months, I really have no idea.

But I have peace. Peace that's beyond me. And you better bet that I'm more than ok with that :D

This was my theme song today:

Turn It Off - Paramore

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Arms Wide Open-Misty Edwards

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding

Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love

He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

Three in One Plus B

Father God,

Remove this terror from my heart.
The one that sneaks up from behind.
The one that paralyzes me in my tracks,
That whispers lies into my ear.
And seeks to kill and destroy.

You are Sovereign,
You are Lord,
What You decree will be done.
You say You favour me,
You slay my enemies,
Please, Daddy,
Destroy these monsters for your Princess.

You...I haven't the words.
Reveal Yourself to me.
Reveal Your character, Father God.
There is so much for me to learn.
I need my Daddy.
There is more than what I currently have.
I am missing something important.
What is it?
Show me your Character.
At least, some of the sides that I'm missing.
They are innumerable.
But Everlasting Father.
Alpha. Omega.
My Creator,
Oh Lord Most Sovereign.
I want to know You.
Yahweh. Elohim. Jehovah.
I AM.
Who are You?
I want to know You.
To hear Your voice.
To be a woman after Your Heart.
I am asking so so so much.
More than my heart can currently understand.
Take me there.
For your Kingdom and for Your Glory.
I love you, Papa.



Beloved Jesus,

You know my pain.
You have lived it, felt it, carried it.
The rejection in Your beautiful heart is eternally greater than mine ever will be.
You have already healed mine so much.
Beautiful that I love. Thank you.
Even now You see my pain that remains and do not turn your gaze.
You say "Beloved, Your emotions are my treasure,
As is ever tear that you shed.
And You hasten, hasten, hasten
Your armies to cover me from all sides.
You are the Knight that saves this Princess.
You are unconquerable, unchanging, unblemished.

You have risen above the world,
Overcome it with your Love.
With your Blood and Grace
You have given me the keys to my freedom
And to unlock Your Heavenly Kingdom.

What love is this, that knows me?
That pursues me, that heals me, that molds me?
That sees through my weakness and sees strength.
That sees through my pain and sees beauty.
That sees through my sin and declares "life".
That sees through my brokenness and says "whole".
That sees past my filthy rags and sees nothing but purity.

The One that has overcome the world looks into my eyes and says,
"Turn your eyes from Me, for they have overcome Me...
You have stolen My Heart with one glance...
Your eyes are like doves, eyes of undistracted devotion"

I am My Beloved's and He is mine.

My Comfort and Friend, Holy Spirit

I love You.
I love You and Your Power.
I love You in Your subtleties.
I love You in Your displays of Mighty Works.
I love Your Mercy, Grace and Care,
I love the way You move in me.
I love the way You stir in me, excite me, convict me, teach me.
I love the way You lift me up.

I adore the way You move mountains,
I marvel at how You can heal any disease, brokenness and past.
I rejoice that You can inspire new tongues,
And let me join the Heavenlies in prayer and intercession.
I love that You welcome me alongside You to fight this fleshless war.
I am floored that You can open my eyes to the things Unseen.
I am astounded that You give me the authority to say to the mountain "Move".
I can't grasp that my words can bring life, healing and freedom.

Only through You.

Without you, I am powerless, hopeless and a slave.

With you, I have freedom, power, authority, grace, peace and abundant joy.
With you, I have Jesus with me at every step.

What more could I ever ask for?

Enthralled

"This is what Jesus is like to me. This is my testimony. This is the Christ
that I have personally encountered.

He has an immense, immeasurable,and eternal compassion. His compassion is always greater than my sin. He is scandalously forgiving. His mercy burns as it destroys shame.

He has unbounded patience, unending goodness. His love is so compelling, it heals us. It strips away all our pretense and it restores us to happiness.

His grace is the empowering presence within that enables us to feel good about ourselves.

His mercy is His total favor given gladly to an undeserving heart.

He is the kindest person I have ever known.

His goodness is so outrageous and shocking, it's actually disreputable to the religious minded. He's the happiest person I know. He has the sunniest disposition than anybody I've ever met. He is enthusiastically fervent in His pursuit of each one of us.

He is amazingly humble and gentle but He's also this powerful warrior King who loves to fight and laughs at His enemies.

He has this fabulous servant spirit. He dosn't need a title or status or position. But He joyfully sets an example of simple, heartwarming slavery.

His love is enthralling. It captivates and commands us to be the same as Him. His love is designed to overwhelm all things, especially fear, shame, and low self esteem. He loves being trusted. He is delighted and astonished when we use our faith.

He will never keep a record of our sins or our failings. He has mercy that can never be properly understood or articulated, just experienced. The only way we can explain mercy, is by being merciful ourselves. Jesus the Redeemer gives us value in the eyes of the Father. He sees and He speaks to our potential. And He both protects us and releases us to fulfill all that He wants us to see and know about ourselves. We are outrageously loved with an uncommon love.

Oh, on top of all that, He forgives. He is full of forgiveness. He loves to pardon. He loves to release an offender from the legal consequences of a conviction."

From Graham Cooke's Uncommon Love, Disk #2 "Who is God to You?"

Smattering

I feel like there's so much to say and yet so little time and attention span to share it in. So I will type and see what comes out. Bear with me.

Lately I've felt like I was in some kind of limbo. Sort of directionless. Which is quite new to me, since I'm a planner and I like to know where I'm going to I can make sure I get there with everything I need and complete awareness of my surroundings.

I've assessed myself and I've decided that I'm not a control freak, which is quite reassuring (because I would be very upset if I were), but it has been brought to my attention that I like routine. This is all well and good, but it has made me reevaluate myself. I have a sneaking suspicion that I figured this out about myself years ago. High school sounds about right. I seem to be able to do about 100 things in a week if it's all scheduled, but if my routine is thrown out the window, I get thrown for a loop. This also surprised me because I consider a flexible person, one who is open to do things if other people want to do them and who doesn't mind adjusting her schedule to suit other ppl's needs.

I remember frustrating myself SO much when I was younger because any conclusion I reached about myself was simply met with a contradiction.

Now, a handful of years later and nearing the end of the 3rd year of my undergrad, I feel like these qualities are not narrowing, they continue to polarize.

Bah.

I remember when I was younger I would be at EVERYTHING, ALWAYS, on time with bells on.

Now I tend to be late and sometimes just don't show up and this is a pattern that I've seen developing since my 2nd year and it frustrates me. I can't seem to break it. It all seems so so uncharacteristic.

Yeesh, I'm going to start crying. (One thing, at least, that has remained consistent)

The amount that I've grown in the last few years has indeed been, in my eyes, astronomical. I honestly can't believe the amount of things that I've seen, heard, learned, felt and lived. Time flies and I've tried to absorb everything I've been able to get a hold of that good be considered useful along the way.

I'm me. I know more now of who I am then I ever have (which should receive a huge DUH)but there are parts of me that still seem to be in shambles and I don't know if those are lies or just things to work on.

K, not shambles...just not where the should be. And what seems to be most frustrating, not where the used to be and not where I've experienced and thrived in them before.

I used to be known as a hard worker, a determined young woman, a leader and disciplined woman who was willing to do whatever it took to get wherever she needed to be. I was passionate.

Don't get me wrong. That's all still in there. I know very well that those things are still and will always be me. God has revealed to me, even in the smallest measure the potential that I have, but why do I feel so far from that?

I speak against any and all spirits of inadequacy. That's so not what I'm saying. I am made for glory. I am made for glory. I am made for glory. I cling to grace and the strength of my Beloved and my Saviour to walk in the path that He has set before me.

But I want that spark back. That never die attitude. The drive to be the best that I can be. That passion that drove me. God, where is it? I see pieces of it showing through, but I'm not even close to the glory that you've designed me for.

And that's why I'm frustrated. I feel defeated daily by my own humanity. The inclination to be lazy is so loud. The temptation of mediocrity seems absurdly appealing. Settling seems plenty fine to me.

I can't believe those are the thoughts in my head. The lies. Where on earth did that sludge come from?

Woah woah, wake up B. Wake up. God, give me the discernment to see where this came from. The authority to deny it. And the wisdom to run to you. Deliver me from this is Jesus' name. Ugh. GOD. I cry out to you!! I will not be mediocre! You deserve all my best!! All of me. You have put me here. God, let me always give 110%. Why should I do any less?

God, there is grace and I clothe myself in that. You will hold me up and strengthen me to thrive and have enormous FAVOUR. I will be happy. Joyous. Whole. Rested. Peaceful. Victorious. Loved. And One with You. This is my desire.

Break off any chains that are trying to restrain and cloud that desire in Jesus' name. I am Yours. Solely Yours. Who am I without you, Jesus? I need you. I want you. You are what I want. Lord, create in me the heart of Esther. I just heard that. I'm not sure why. Well, I kind of know why. But you'll bring that picture into play in due time.

Refinement is a great thing, but it's the glory of a King to seek it out.

Jesus, I pray for restoration. Completion. I don't want to see these times as time lost, Lord because that would be demeaning the things you've done in my life and WOW. There are so many. You astound me daily of the things you can do with such seemingly half hearted devotion.

And Lord, You know my heart. You know it's desire and You know I love you. So incredibly much that it hurts. You blow me away. You make my life worthwhile. You lift me up. You fill me up. You save me. Heal me. Restore me. Make me laugh. You're so good an ever present. But there's more. And I don't want any unnecessary and unfounded chains to hold me back in anyway. So take them off, and lets see what I've been missing. Acceleration. I take a hold of that declaration of acceleration.

Become the apple of my eye. The sole desire of my heart. My Beloved. My Friend.

I declare myself a woman of integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, commitment, diligence, perseverance, determination, favour, joy, peace, comfort, encouragement and love. A woman of God. Devoted to Him.

I love you Jesus.

And to whoever read this...well. That was vulnerable of me. But that was something else that I never seemed to have a problem with either :P

Jesus I pray for strength and the light of your face to shine upon me. Thank you for revealing this, Beloved. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

Much love,

B