uno!

on a different note, i've now had this blog for a year!

yipee!

unfortunately, it has kept track on the most painful year of my life.

great timing.

my first post is so painful to read.

i had no idea what was even coming.

but we're on the other side now!

win?

humpty dumpty

when will my heart stop hurting?

honestly.

how many times can it be broken?

it seems that once it's been broken once, it never fully heals.

so when it's been shattered, there seems to always be little cracks.

and the smallest rattle just makes it fall to pieces again.

i don't want my heart to hurt anymore.

i hate feeling like this all the time.

lord, save me. heal me. restore me.

only you can put me back together.

because i can't do this by myself.

i'm far too weak. too human.

and it just hurts too much.

so much.

it's debilitating.

i can't breathe.

i want to breathe.

inhale deeply.

and feel free.

not pain.

not this deep.

not this cutting.

i'm so broken.

put me back together.

so i can live.

and not just survive.

i sucks being reminded daily of your own i ability to live life without failing.

that's why we need a saviour in every moment.

but i need to get rid of all of this.

because i'm more and more of a shell.

and i hate it.

b

Dream

Dream-Priscilla Ahn
I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down at me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest tree
I had a dream

oooo....

Now I'm old and feeling gray
I don't know what's left to say
About this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full, I lived it well
As many tales I live to tell
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now
To fly from the highest wing
I had a dream

While this week has probably been one of the most hellish on record, I've come out the other side. Barely. But I have.

Can I get a woot?

I've decided that I want better.

And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get better.

Stay posted as to what that will entail.

Because I'm not even sure.

First step?

Buy a tiara.

And wear it as often as possible.

Remembering that I am loved by many.

Especially the Lord.

Who sees me in every moment and says: "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you...You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace."

That's me.

Step one.

B

...and it's just not getting any better.

Hiding doesn't even begin to explain my life for the past...8(ish) months.

While sitting around may seem normal to anyone else, it just further reiterates how "not ok" I am.

I've had bad things happen to me, but over and above that, I've done bad things.

Things that catch me off guard in the slightest, but because I don't feel anything lately, they don't catch me off nearly as badly as they should.

You think I would run from complication and pain, since I've seen so much of it already, but somehow, I've gotten caught up in the downward spiral.

I thought I'd hit rock bottom. Rock bottom was familiar.

But apparently the rabbit hole doesn't have much of a limit.

And yet I somehow keep on digging.

There are momentous occasions in everyone's life...things that should ordinarily be celebrated, treasured. At least, so I was told

Mine, so far have all been major disappointments. Not even worth telling, let alone celebrating. Because they're all just sad, upsetting stories that make people mad, sad, speechless or uncomfortable.

And that's just so fun to inflict on other people.

(Sarcasm)

I hate dropping my "bomb" on people. And it's not even the full bomb. It's somehow the "digestible" bomb. If they knew everything, they'd have me sent away.

The thing I hate the most is inadvertently dragging people I love into my crap/gong show life.

There are people that love me so completely and are so understanding and gracious that just seem to absorb all of this.

Well, to be honest, there's only a few people that know the deepest and the darkest side.

Because it would freak most anyone else right out if they know what was up, and I'm not up for the surveillance and the worry. And no, I'm not going to hurt myself. Not physically. The emotional side is sufficient, thank you very much.

But even the people that know the deepest and the darkest have to have a limit. And I think I've found a way to do that. Frick. I WOULD find that limit. And push it somehow.

I know this is all very vague and convoluted, (ha) but there is no way I'm going to type out this whole scenario for the world to see.

Just know that life's moments have a tendency to be paradoxical.

Momentous yet horrible.

As my friend once said, it's happy/sad.

And she said that in the most happy/sad moment of my life.

The trend continues.

I had to mull over what the hell I'm going to learn from this situation. Because right now, hopelessness and complication seems to be the only likely outcome.

But my greatest wish is that the people that I never hurt the people that surround me during this "self-implosion."

I'll be there for them, no matter what.

As long as they still want me around.

My next greatest wish is that this hell would stop.

I don't know myself.

And it's scaring me.

At least, I think it is.

It's tough to know when feeling is a foreign concept.



Now, now, now people that don't know what's going on, just keep me in your thoughts, but don't worry! These are just the tired thoughts of a girl in a valley. I'll be okay, though. Just give it time. I'll be back.

I have to.

B

What Would I have Done?

It's been a while, and I'm sure this one will be brief, mostly because I have to go to English soon and I have a midterm that I need to prepare for.

That aside, the last month and a half has been the most MESSED up time I've ever had.

I feel as if I've spent most of the time on the outside of myself looking in, shaking my head asking, "Who in the world is that? And does she not see how stupid she's being?"

At the same time I've been so caught up in the downward spiral that I feel like I can't escape.

The word "self-implosion" comes to mind.

If that's even a legit word. For argument's sake, we'll say it is.

So I asked for help.

Which, in reality, was probably the healthiest thing I could have ever done for myself, while consequentially being the most exhausting thing EVER.

Introspection is he most demanding thing I've ever done.

And I've done a lot.

But I've never been more down.

I long for the day that I will be myself again.

I miss being the incurable optimist and the "bringer of joy" that I once was.

And while I'm still "me" I feel like those closest to me are brought down by my many troubles.

I'm open with my life and trials, but I don't like bogging people down with all this crap that has mercilessly piled up.

It's not fair to just drop that on them, and yet if I don't, I'll drown.

Thankfully, I am blessed with AMAZING friends that surround me, tolerate me, encourage me, listen to me and love me.

Just the other day, my friend had a revelation that I'm still trying to unpack.

Three of us were sitting, praying, and she saw three angels angels (which, awesomely, is not uncommon).

The next night, she had a revelation about all of them:

Bea's was on the right. and it was breathtakenly beautiful. so much so, that i couldn't take it all in, all i could focus on was it's wing, and i was blown away just by that. it glistened, and each feather was so perfect, and so beautiful. gleaming. glistening. like the kind of beauty that just makes you blush inside. this is your angel, because this is truely how God sees you. you are breathtakingly beautiful, and valued to Him. you are His treasure. like the one inside the treasure box that is locked up with lock and key, and when the box is open it just gleams and glows and radiates... but only when Jesus unlocks it. and I see he has the key safe, and only he knows where it is. he holds it close to Him, around His neck.
you are His treasure. and He is so proud of you.

That's the angel that God has sent to protect me, even when I don't protect myself.

Who am I that You are mindful of me?

That you would call me friend?

That you would send an angel to protect me when I've failed you so?

This is grace.

Infinite, selfless and unconditional love.

This is the love that is offered to me.

What am I doing with it?

*Sigh*

Gravity/No power of Hell, No scheme of man...

Why must people always play the victim?
Seriously, find anyone who's complaining about anything and they're victimizing themselves one way or another.
And why do we do it? (Yes, I can easily say I include myself in this)
Is it because we love to be "right"? Sympathized? Listened to? Vengeful with our spiteful words?
I don't know. I guess it depends on the day.

This song sort of embodied me for the past...well...while:

"Gravity"-Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

But today, I decided that I'm going to stop playing the victim.

It's a tired roll.

And granted, it's served me well (ugh, who am I kidding, no it hasn't), but it's served its purpose for the time that I needed it.

People told me to take this time to sift through feelings, emotions, hurt, pains, joys, grief....but where does it end?

I want to be better. Lord knows, someday I WILL be better.

And so I realized of how sick I was down in the muck of my misery and I said, "That's enough. I don't want this anymore."

So whatever was left of me that was attached, concerned about or bothered by my life in the last year in the half was straight up told to go.

I told it all I was done with it, I lifted my hands up, held them in front of me, and dropped it. It def outstayed its "welcome" and I gave it up, seemingly for the hundreth time to the Lord.

Thankfully, my Lord is very gracious and He took it again, because He recognized that this was a whole brand new layer of grossness.

I'm not happy. Not all the way to my core.

Ha, I haven't been a very good "Christian"...not that superficiality means diddly squat to me. But my intimacy with the Lord has been lacking. And I can feel the massive void, the chasm in my centre.

And I asked Him to refill it.

I want to feel again.

Even if it's not me breathing...if it's Him living and breathing in me, at least I'll feel. Life support is better than living with out oxygen.

Forgiveness is the key to this new life. This "New Man" that's mentioned in Scripture.

I want to be excited about Him again. To seek Him again. To have Him in front of me; all I see, all I want. He's worth it.

In Him alone lies the freedom my entire being is crying out for, even if it only feels like a faint, muffled whimper, the desire to be alive, to be ME has not died...He will not allow it. It's far too beautiful.

I remember crying out "I don't want to be crushed anymore! I don't want to be crushed! To feel crushed! No more crushed! Please. It hurts too much...it hurts too much...

"Love is still equated with pain!" I realized. "I don't trust love!" I cried to my own surprise. No wonder I'd hidden myself from Him. I didn't trust Him. That breaks my heart almost as much as it must hurt His. Ouchies. Those are lies. All of it. I can't believe I believed those lies. Those are the lies I wanted to avoid.

But when this all was happening, in the midst of lying there, all my insides, pains and mishaps laid bare for the world to see in the most pain of my young life, I asked Him to do whatever took to be ok. Not that I believe that He brought this upon me. But refinement isn't always pretty. It's pretty brutal if anything. And this word just in: Humbling. Ouch. But it will be worth it. And He's already done so much. So it's the best worst pray I've ever uttered.

So, as I sat there again, bare, I prayed again, to be delivered, to walk in my purpose, to live up to my namesake: the Bringer of Joy.

I want it all to be for His glory. Nothing else matters. As long as I'm pleasing Him, I am satisfied.

Then I remembered one of my favourite hymns:

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
SIN'S CURSE HAS LOST ITS GRIP ON ME.
For I am His and He is mine (three lines that will one day probably be found permenantly marked on my body...God is great, but I like reminders)
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

(and the other line that will probably be found on me): No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand!!!!
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

Much love, at least, what I have left to give,

Peaches

Baby of MIne

So, prelude:

I've always wanted to be a mother. I can't remember a time where this wasn't the case. Sometimes God gives me a glimpse of the unconditional love of a parent, of a mother. It's part of learning to love like Him. It's part of learning how He loves me.

And in these moments I feel like my baby (or babies) are already here and my heart is filled with a love that hurts in the most beautiful, fulfilling way.

I'm excited to become a Mami :D (mommy in spanish = mami!!)

Not happening in the foreseeable future, ha! But at the same time it'll also be here before I even realize it's here.

Life has a way of surprising you right?

So I'm greatful that God has used my life experiences to prepare myself to be a Mami.

Because I want to be the best Mami there is :)

And I fully plan on doing everything in my power, aka giving it all to God, so that that baby will always feel loved in every moment. Because my baby will be :) As I am :)

Yes, My God is so good.

Baby,

I wish I could explain to you how much I already love you.

Even though you may not come for many more years,

Tu mami te quiere.

I've imagined you in my heart and in my mind and I know that the joy and anticipation that I feel is only a glimpse of what it one day will be, but I want you to know that even today, before Jesus decides to create you in me, you are treasured.

On this Earth, you in my arms will bring unrivaled awe, joy, wonder and fear.

Every part of you will be cherished.

And Mami won't let you ever believe otherwise.

For you will be fearfully and wonderfully made by the Magnificent Creator.

In His image.

And I won't ever let you forget it.

You will never be regretted, rejected or resented.

No matter when you come, my heart will rejoice beyond my mere words.

You will be mine.

The greatest accomplishment of my life by the grace of My Saviour.

My life, little one, has opened my eyes to the beauty of you.

Know that you are wanted. Worthy. Loved. Protected. With a mighty destiny.

Nothing less.

You have already stolen this Mami's heart.

Every moment with you will be a gift from our God up in Heaven.

And I thank Him now for every moment I get to have with you.

For every smile to come,

For every tear you shed,

Your Mami is here, with arms wide open,

With my heart already in your hand.

Your mami will always fight for you,

Her fierce protection only superseded but that of our Abba,

Whose love you cannot yet imagine.

I wait patiently for your arrival,

But know, mi corazon, that your arrival will be cause for a great celebration,

Because you are the greatest gift that My Beloved could ever give me on this Earth,

And you will be my treasure.

You are already my treasure.

Mami loves you baby of mine.

Much love,

B