Life and Retrospect

It seems that today is as good as any day to begin writing in this ol' blog again.

This blog does come in handy when it comes to crisis in my life and, needless to say, I am thrilled beyond belief that I no longer need to rely on this as a vessel for all my confusion, pain or disastrous train wrecks that used to occur in my life. I thank God every day that I seem to have regained my footing and am I able to walk through life with a purpose...a purpose which continues to be unraveled.

While the complete and utter chaos in my life seems to have ended in December 2010 and again in April 2011, it the last 8 months of my life have been the most fulfilling months of my life. Working, consistency, sleep and having something to do everyday has helped balance me out and working for the Lord has helped me remember who I am.

However, throughout the last 8 months, simultaneously, my Abuelito Ricardo also became very sick. He lived with us periodically and then in November, he came and lived with us full-time and had been in the hospital from the beginning of January to his tearful passing yesterday evening right before 8pm.

This is the latest crisis in my life. Losing my wonderful Abuelito. The truth of it was shockingly real yesterday as my mother called me only moments after he had passed away asking me to please come to the hospital. It all felt so out of body...to run from Youth Group, have friends catch me and offer to drive me so I wouldn't have to drive the two blocks to the hospital (they were far more clear-headed than I was). Once I got to the hospital, I was able to sit beside my sweet Abuelito for a while, touching the the face that I've always loved, the one that would always do whatever it took to make me laugh.

Yesterday night was awful. It's to be expected, of course, but today, the immediate emotion has left and shock, numbness, has settled in. I know the facts about what I have to get through in the next few days...I have to bury my Abuelito...I have to be surrounded by crowds of people that knew him and loved him...

While I look forward to seeing my family (especially my family from BC) and spending time with my brother and remembering the good times, I can't help but think of the one person who will be missing.

I have found that I do really well until someone else is crying...or they give me the "sad/sympathy eyes" which everyone gives. I'm thinking that one of my bad habits that I gained during my "Valley Year of 2010" (see the MULTIPLE depressing blog posts of that year for prime examples) was to hide out. Part of me just wants to be by myself, distracting myself and not thinking about it. I don't like to think of it as "avoiding"...but is it? I'm worried it is.

All this has left me wondering, "Am I really that strong? Have I really come that far?

The Lord tells me YES, so I will cling to that truth as to not believe the Enemy's lies of doubt. I can get through this. It is okay to cry. It is okay to grieve. I don't have to be strong--but I have this overwhelming feeling that makes me want to be strong. Must. Fight. Instincts...? If not I'll be a mess! *sigh* Only time will tell.

The things that I'm currently regretting is that I didn't spend enough time with my Abuelito...even when he lived under my own roof. I would be busy doing goodness knows what, or I was just in my room...hiding. From what? Pain. I was in denial? I don't know, but it was so hard to be around him. I loved him immensely, but I just had no idea what to say...and all he wanted was my company. Dammit. And it seemed an impossible task, every time I stepped into that blasted hospital, to walk down the hallway into his room where he looked so sad, yet so happy to see me. Good Lord in Heaven I loved that man.

Time. Isn't that the one thing we always want more of? Call me predictable, but that's what I wish I would have had more of. Time and the courage to be uncomfortable, so that I wouldn't be feeling what I feel right now.

On the positive side (yes, there is a positive side, I can't help but feel blessed for the wonderful gift I had in the form of my Abuelito. What a wonderful man. God brought me to my parent's home this year for a purpose, and I know that spending time with my Abuelito was one of those reasons.

That man. He was the only other one in the family who knew anything about classical music. He loved me to pieces. He was freaking hysterical. He was proud of me. I remember him saying that he wanted to live long enough to see me graduate with my Bachelor's degree...he even bribed me with a bracelet, the most beautiful bracelet ever. I'll show it to you proudly if you ask :) He picked it out himself, he had impeccable taste! He has overwhelmed me by leaving me his entire music collection; cds, records, dvds and books. I always felt so spoiled by this man and this put it all over the edge. I couldn't feel anymore honoured. I also proudly wear my Abuelito Isabel's wedding ring which bear his initials on the inside, a ring that I have proudly worn for years, while my brother wears my Abuelito's wedding band.

My mom and I have also discovered that we have an ABUNDANCE of pictures of my Abuelito and I. Apparently, I've always jumped at the chance at being in a picture with him, and we are both notorious for making silly faces in this pictures. I have so many pictures of him and I, even from these last 8 months...moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

As I think about the speech that I am to give this Friday at his funeral service, I am overwhelmed; not because I don't know what to say, but because I have far too much to say. How can I summarize the impact such an amazing man has had on my life? The desire to make him proud and make his sacrifices worthwhile have been one of the driving forces in my life and will continue to be until the end of my life. This man has brought me so much joy...how can I put such an impact into words? Let alone, a short speech?

Until then, I will continue on my journey of saying goodbye to one of the most beautiful people in my life. For now, I conclude with the words that I would share with my grampa, if I were given the chance (see next blog):

BAB