BEE! Sheesh!

Hm.

I seem like a happy person, yes?

Yes. I know I do.

While some of you have seen some bad sides to me, particularly in the past while, and others of you seeming some not-so-happy -B in my high school days, you all know that deep down I am by far one of the happiest and optimistic people out there.

Heck, both my names scream the quality of happiness:

Beatriz means Bringer of Joy and Abigail means My Father's or Fountain of Joy.

And it is true, even in my darkest moments, I've still been able to find joy and contentment in most all aspects of my life.

The Lord, primarily, but I am also richly blessed with the best family in the world, and more friends than one person could ever hope for. I am blessed with not just buddies, but a long string of friends in which I am allowed to cultivate deep relationships and that know me for who I am, and don't let me believe any lie over myself and that encourage me to be my best and to except the best because I deserve the best that have taken great care of me and that bring me within an a moment of peeing my pants in laughter. Oh yes, and I have the best job in the world and I love my school.

So why why why why WHY?! so I still struggle with things that should have been behind me years and years ago?! In a moment I manage to somehow negate all of the beauty and blessing in my life with lies and garbage that just has absolutely nothing to stand strong in, yet somehow seems to grow stronger if left unattended.
I baffle myself with my own weakness. Yes I know that Christ is my strength, but I must choose to walk in it, and even though I want to choose, in those moments of trial, why does it seem so impossible to submit? Surrender? Flee?

So, this is resolve. I'm not sure how this will play out, but in every moment I will do my utmost to turn everything to Him. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

Why?

Because even though I am richly blessed and highly favoured by the Lord, in walking in this Truth I must also learn to love myself. I don't hate myself. I know I don't. But it's about high time that I took care of myself and treasured myself as much as He does and as much as other seem to. I will not believe that I am unworthy because Christ sees me as worthy. And that's the only opinion that matters.

I'm past believing that lies people speak over me. That is not something I will ever go back to in Jesus' name, but now that I know Christ loves me more intimately, jealously and passionately than I could ever imagine, I will now work to seeing myself solely through His eyes, and not even my own. His eyes are the only ones that matter. I love me. I am perfectly and wonderfully made. He is my Sustenance and Provision. He will always satisfy me. Nothing else will do. And as He wishes to treat me, so will I treat myself. I'm in a borrowed temple. It's not mine to own. I've been bought with the highest price ever paid for anything in the history of everything.

So dearest, please, handle with care.

Love, B

The Greatest of These...

So I actually wrote a song.

My first song.

And I was singing it today and my boss mentioned that there was a lot of emotion behind it, which I figured there would be...but I of course love that it comes through, because that's why I wrote the song. Yes, I also wrote it for my friends Matt and Becky's wedding (ONE WEEK LEFT!) but as I began to plan, I began to think that I wanted to bless them more than just write some lame love song.

SO I turned to God and asked Him what He wanted me to say as a blessing to these two dear friends, but also as a song to Him.

Love is not a human concept. It is Divinely inspired. We love because He first loved us. I cannot love without Him loving me or without walking in this unconditional, gracious, passionate love. God has taken me through some ridiculous growth in the last while and it's been so encouraging to have Jesus reinforce what I mean to Him.

Through all this I know who I am in Him and my identity in Him. He's been there protecting me, guiding me, providing for me, loving me and singing over me with such a diligence and grace that has overcome me. And yet though He does this for me, He is captivated by me, overcome by my gaze, sees me as a lily amongst the thorns.

"I was made for love..."

Lord deeply root that into my heart. Though men break promises YOU have never failed me.

I am free. Heavenly Father I am free and victorious in you!

"Whom the Son sets free is free indeed and there ain't no chain that can hinder me!"

I've hurt so much but God's love has brought me through, refining me and transforming me. Through this process of self-realization, I've come to discover what I would do for love. In this case, earthly love.

I wrote it down a few months ago. It was more or less my promise to whoever God has planned for me of what I believe love is and what love does--how for it will go bearing in mind that this love is not just my own love or strength, but the love poured out on me ever so graciously and generously from my Saviour and King.

God pointed out Scriptures to me that were relevant to this, primarily in the Song of Solomon and of course 1 Corinthians 13.

And from there came my song. While the song came out kind of none specific, it reflects my heart for love and I truly believe it reflects my Beloved's heart.

It is the story of a girl, dark, but lovely being woo'd by The King.

"What is love?

Won't you tell me what is love?

Is it the words you say,

The songs you sing,

The way you look inside me?

What is love?

Tell me what is love?"

"You have ravished my heart,

Your eyes of devotion have captured me,

You are my love,

You're so beautiful,

You're my Bride,

You're the apple of my eye"

"What is love?"

"This love waits for you,

Is so kind to you,

It never gets too proud.

This love is jealous for you,

And only for you,

It will never be put out.

It will will rejoice in what is good,

And it will leave the rest behind.

Because love bears all things..

It believes in all things...

It hopes and endures all things..."

"What is love?

Tell me what is this love?

It is the words you speak,

It is the songs you sing,

The way you look inside of me...

This is love.

This is love.

I am my Beloved's and He is mine..."

Love B.