BEE! Sheesh!

Hm.

I seem like a happy person, yes?

Yes. I know I do.

While some of you have seen some bad sides to me, particularly in the past while, and others of you seeming some not-so-happy -B in my high school days, you all know that deep down I am by far one of the happiest and optimistic people out there.

Heck, both my names scream the quality of happiness:

Beatriz means Bringer of Joy and Abigail means My Father's or Fountain of Joy.

And it is true, even in my darkest moments, I've still been able to find joy and contentment in most all aspects of my life.

The Lord, primarily, but I am also richly blessed with the best family in the world, and more friends than one person could ever hope for. I am blessed with not just buddies, but a long string of friends in which I am allowed to cultivate deep relationships and that know me for who I am, and don't let me believe any lie over myself and that encourage me to be my best and to except the best because I deserve the best that have taken great care of me and that bring me within an a moment of peeing my pants in laughter. Oh yes, and I have the best job in the world and I love my school.

So why why why why WHY?! so I still struggle with things that should have been behind me years and years ago?! In a moment I manage to somehow negate all of the beauty and blessing in my life with lies and garbage that just has absolutely nothing to stand strong in, yet somehow seems to grow stronger if left unattended.
I baffle myself with my own weakness. Yes I know that Christ is my strength, but I must choose to walk in it, and even though I want to choose, in those moments of trial, why does it seem so impossible to submit? Surrender? Flee?

So, this is resolve. I'm not sure how this will play out, but in every moment I will do my utmost to turn everything to Him. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

Why?

Because even though I am richly blessed and highly favoured by the Lord, in walking in this Truth I must also learn to love myself. I don't hate myself. I know I don't. But it's about high time that I took care of myself and treasured myself as much as He does and as much as other seem to. I will not believe that I am unworthy because Christ sees me as worthy. And that's the only opinion that matters.

I'm past believing that lies people speak over me. That is not something I will ever go back to in Jesus' name, but now that I know Christ loves me more intimately, jealously and passionately than I could ever imagine, I will now work to seeing myself solely through His eyes, and not even my own. His eyes are the only ones that matter. I love me. I am perfectly and wonderfully made. He is my Sustenance and Provision. He will always satisfy me. Nothing else will do. And as He wishes to treat me, so will I treat myself. I'm in a borrowed temple. It's not mine to own. I've been bought with the highest price ever paid for anything in the history of everything.

So dearest, please, handle with care.

Love, B