Smattering

I feel like there's so much to say and yet so little time and attention span to share it in. So I will type and see what comes out. Bear with me.

Lately I've felt like I was in some kind of limbo. Sort of directionless. Which is quite new to me, since I'm a planner and I like to know where I'm going to I can make sure I get there with everything I need and complete awareness of my surroundings.

I've assessed myself and I've decided that I'm not a control freak, which is quite reassuring (because I would be very upset if I were), but it has been brought to my attention that I like routine. This is all well and good, but it has made me reevaluate myself. I have a sneaking suspicion that I figured this out about myself years ago. High school sounds about right. I seem to be able to do about 100 things in a week if it's all scheduled, but if my routine is thrown out the window, I get thrown for a loop. This also surprised me because I consider a flexible person, one who is open to do things if other people want to do them and who doesn't mind adjusting her schedule to suit other ppl's needs.

I remember frustrating myself SO much when I was younger because any conclusion I reached about myself was simply met with a contradiction.

Now, a handful of years later and nearing the end of the 3rd year of my undergrad, I feel like these qualities are not narrowing, they continue to polarize.

Bah.

I remember when I was younger I would be at EVERYTHING, ALWAYS, on time with bells on.

Now I tend to be late and sometimes just don't show up and this is a pattern that I've seen developing since my 2nd year and it frustrates me. I can't seem to break it. It all seems so so uncharacteristic.

Yeesh, I'm going to start crying. (One thing, at least, that has remained consistent)

The amount that I've grown in the last few years has indeed been, in my eyes, astronomical. I honestly can't believe the amount of things that I've seen, heard, learned, felt and lived. Time flies and I've tried to absorb everything I've been able to get a hold of that good be considered useful along the way.

I'm me. I know more now of who I am then I ever have (which should receive a huge DUH)but there are parts of me that still seem to be in shambles and I don't know if those are lies or just things to work on.

K, not shambles...just not where the should be. And what seems to be most frustrating, not where the used to be and not where I've experienced and thrived in them before.

I used to be known as a hard worker, a determined young woman, a leader and disciplined woman who was willing to do whatever it took to get wherever she needed to be. I was passionate.

Don't get me wrong. That's all still in there. I know very well that those things are still and will always be me. God has revealed to me, even in the smallest measure the potential that I have, but why do I feel so far from that?

I speak against any and all spirits of inadequacy. That's so not what I'm saying. I am made for glory. I am made for glory. I am made for glory. I cling to grace and the strength of my Beloved and my Saviour to walk in the path that He has set before me.

But I want that spark back. That never die attitude. The drive to be the best that I can be. That passion that drove me. God, where is it? I see pieces of it showing through, but I'm not even close to the glory that you've designed me for.

And that's why I'm frustrated. I feel defeated daily by my own humanity. The inclination to be lazy is so loud. The temptation of mediocrity seems absurdly appealing. Settling seems plenty fine to me.

I can't believe those are the thoughts in my head. The lies. Where on earth did that sludge come from?

Woah woah, wake up B. Wake up. God, give me the discernment to see where this came from. The authority to deny it. And the wisdom to run to you. Deliver me from this is Jesus' name. Ugh. GOD. I cry out to you!! I will not be mediocre! You deserve all my best!! All of me. You have put me here. God, let me always give 110%. Why should I do any less?

God, there is grace and I clothe myself in that. You will hold me up and strengthen me to thrive and have enormous FAVOUR. I will be happy. Joyous. Whole. Rested. Peaceful. Victorious. Loved. And One with You. This is my desire.

Break off any chains that are trying to restrain and cloud that desire in Jesus' name. I am Yours. Solely Yours. Who am I without you, Jesus? I need you. I want you. You are what I want. Lord, create in me the heart of Esther. I just heard that. I'm not sure why. Well, I kind of know why. But you'll bring that picture into play in due time.

Refinement is a great thing, but it's the glory of a King to seek it out.

Jesus, I pray for restoration. Completion. I don't want to see these times as time lost, Lord because that would be demeaning the things you've done in my life and WOW. There are so many. You astound me daily of the things you can do with such seemingly half hearted devotion.

And Lord, You know my heart. You know it's desire and You know I love you. So incredibly much that it hurts. You blow me away. You make my life worthwhile. You lift me up. You fill me up. You save me. Heal me. Restore me. Make me laugh. You're so good an ever present. But there's more. And I don't want any unnecessary and unfounded chains to hold me back in anyway. So take them off, and lets see what I've been missing. Acceleration. I take a hold of that declaration of acceleration.

Become the apple of my eye. The sole desire of my heart. My Beloved. My Friend.

I declare myself a woman of integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, commitment, diligence, perseverance, determination, favour, joy, peace, comfort, encouragement and love. A woman of God. Devoted to Him.

I love you Jesus.

And to whoever read this...well. That was vulnerable of me. But that was something else that I never seemed to have a problem with either :P

Jesus I pray for strength and the light of your face to shine upon me. Thank you for revealing this, Beloved. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

Much love,

B