To say that this year has been the worst would be a gross underestimation.
Yet somehow, miracle of miracles God has made it good.
How does He do it?
Takes my ashes, my pain, my sorrow, my loss, my hurts, my garbage and my sins and makes it JOY, PEACE, WHOLE AND BEAUTIFUL?
Who is this God that I serve? This God that can make all things well?
Who is this God that can make me whole again?
Who is proud of me?
Who looks on me and says "Wow. Look at her. Look at her being such a trooper. I love her you know. I love her so much. And guess what? She loves me too."
He is not just jealous for me. He is giddy over me. And I for one will never understand how He blesses me like He does.
But He does. And I love Him. I don't want to let Him down.
And still after every failure in my eyes, He looks at me and says "Never a failure. You can't disappoint me, sweetie. You were never holding me up. There's need for you to hold me up. Or even yourself. Let me do it."
In the trenches I would cry out "HELP, LORD HELP ME!"
Hahaha and He would ask me "WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!?! I'M RIGHT HERE"
I have the greatest army in the universe.
Me. And Jesus.
The Victorious One.
The One who has conquered it all.
For me.
Just me.
Little B.
Who rarely even takes the time for herself is reminded that the King of Kings thinks the world of her. He's got His armies posted. His love overflowing. And His eyes trying to hold mine...but He's overcome by them.
I don't get it. Nor will I ever, I pray.
One year of sorrow. One year of pain. One year of tears. One year of refinement.
Now here comes the Joy in the morning...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Deliverer
Dark.
A guy I know.
Foxes.
Talking.
Flinching.
Twice.
Praying.
Ugly.
Blue Goop.
Soul.
Ugly.
Out.
Everywhere.
Deliverance
Light.
Talking.
Learning.
Enter wife.
Jezebel.
Yellow.
Distractions.
A message.
A confirmation.
A warning.
Submission.
Mission.
Ministry.
Calling.
All in one dream.
All can change a life forever.
Zeph 3:17.
2 Kings 3.
All for me.
All in one dream.
I hope this keeps up.
I'll get to bed extra early every night ;)
Thank you Jesus.
I asked for dreams.
Dreams are here.
Lets do this.
A guy I know.
Foxes.
Talking.
Flinching.
Twice.
Praying.
Ugly.
Blue Goop.
Soul.
Ugly.
Out.
Everywhere.
Deliverance
Light.
Talking.
Learning.
Enter wife.
Jezebel.
Yellow.
Distractions.
A message.
A confirmation.
A warning.
Submission.
Mission.
Ministry.
Calling.
All in one dream.
All can change a life forever.
Zeph 3:17.
2 Kings 3.
All for me.
All in one dream.
I hope this keeps up.
I'll get to bed extra early every night ;)
Thank you Jesus.
I asked for dreams.
Dreams are here.
Lets do this.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Change
It's amazing how in a moment everything can change.
One decision.
On action.
One speech.
Even one word.
One look.
Situations.
Love.
Life.
People.
Everything can change.
Just like that.
Oh, and word of the week:
Surreal.
Resembling a dream: fantastic and incongruous.
And I'm not waking up yet.
One decision.
On action.
One speech.
Even one word.
One look.
Situations.
Love.
Life.
People.
Everything can change.
Just like that.
Oh, and word of the week:
Surreal.
Resembling a dream: fantastic and incongruous.
And I'm not waking up yet.
Goodbye Waves and Driveways
Love this song:
(The Rocket Summer)
Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware
I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress
And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me
And don’t walk away...
(The Rocket Summer)
Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone
And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware
I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress
And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win
The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh
So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me
And don’t walk away...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A Princess in Comfortable Clothing
Well, the sentiments from my previous post "Smattering" are still pretty similar.
YAY.
But, things, at least from this semester are winding down, coming to a close, praise Jesus.
But there's still much much more to be done.
So many good things will be going on this summer. So so so many.
Four months always fly by like nothing.
My summers are never chill either.
They're always crazy.
But I look forward to the week that I will for sure have to just crash after finals are done! Boy oh boy that will be a divine week!
This is my remembering this moment, knowing that I will be blown out of the water this time next year when I look back at the end of my undergrad.
And oh what a beautiful and terrifying day THAT will be!
I know I'm rambling :P
It won't get any better.
There's just SO MUCH.
Eeeps.
I can't even start to sift through it.
Highlights tho are:
I love my family. Seriously. So much it hurts. I have the best family in the world, immediate and extended. Wouldn't trade them for the world. And I want them all to be happy, unified and at peace.
I love my friends. They make me laugh and help me not be too hard on myself or take myself/life too seriously. Who let me air out all my grievances and usually cry with the utmost patience and understanding. But somehow also make me feel like a millions bucks and make me topple over in laughter. I hope everyone gets to laugh as much and as hard as I do. How I ever got to keep these phenomenal ppl will always be beyond me!
I love my music. And even tho this semester has been tough...I don't know. It's there. And it always will be. It's going to do/be something more than I can imagine.
And I LOVE my Jesus, my God. I don't know. It's been different between us lately, hasn't it Jesus. But You're waiting for me. I know You are. Not judging. But waiting. Beckoning. Understanding. Loving. With such Grace that I don't understand. I mess up. Oh so much. Oh so very much. But You're always there. And even at my worst it comforts me. Perfect love casts out all fear. And He's there. Waiting for me. Loving me. Holding me. I just...don't understand this love. Wow. Thank you.
My, what a year it's been. The most tears. The most laughs. And up till now, the most love. I can't help but be happy. So very happy. Even in my imperfection. My mess. My frustration and lack of spark. I'm here. He's here. You're all here.
Amongst it all, I'm still the luckiest girl in the entire world.
How I'm going to get through everything that's to come in the next 4 months, I really have no idea.
But I have peace. Peace that's beyond me. And you better bet that I'm more than ok with that :D
This was my theme song today:
Turn It Off - Paramore
I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
YAY.
But, things, at least from this semester are winding down, coming to a close, praise Jesus.
But there's still much much more to be done.
So many good things will be going on this summer. So so so many.
Four months always fly by like nothing.
My summers are never chill either.
They're always crazy.
But I look forward to the week that I will for sure have to just crash after finals are done! Boy oh boy that will be a divine week!
This is my remembering this moment, knowing that I will be blown out of the water this time next year when I look back at the end of my undergrad.
And oh what a beautiful and terrifying day THAT will be!
I know I'm rambling :P
It won't get any better.
There's just SO MUCH.
Eeeps.
I can't even start to sift through it.
Highlights tho are:
I love my family. Seriously. So much it hurts. I have the best family in the world, immediate and extended. Wouldn't trade them for the world. And I want them all to be happy, unified and at peace.
I love my friends. They make me laugh and help me not be too hard on myself or take myself/life too seriously. Who let me air out all my grievances and usually cry with the utmost patience and understanding. But somehow also make me feel like a millions bucks and make me topple over in laughter. I hope everyone gets to laugh as much and as hard as I do. How I ever got to keep these phenomenal ppl will always be beyond me!
I love my music. And even tho this semester has been tough...I don't know. It's there. And it always will be. It's going to do/be something more than I can imagine.
And I LOVE my Jesus, my God. I don't know. It's been different between us lately, hasn't it Jesus. But You're waiting for me. I know You are. Not judging. But waiting. Beckoning. Understanding. Loving. With such Grace that I don't understand. I mess up. Oh so much. Oh so very much. But You're always there. And even at my worst it comforts me. Perfect love casts out all fear. And He's there. Waiting for me. Loving me. Holding me. I just...don't understand this love. Wow. Thank you.
My, what a year it's been. The most tears. The most laughs. And up till now, the most love. I can't help but be happy. So very happy. Even in my imperfection. My mess. My frustration and lack of spark. I'm here. He's here. You're all here.
Amongst it all, I'm still the luckiest girl in the entire world.
How I'm going to get through everything that's to come in the next 4 months, I really have no idea.
But I have peace. Peace that's beyond me. And you better bet that I'm more than ok with that :D
This was my theme song today:
Turn It Off - Paramore
I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
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