Dream-Priscilla Ahn
I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green
I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing
I had a dream
Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down at me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep
I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest tree
I had a dream
oooo....
Now I'm old and feeling gray
I don't know what's left to say
About this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full, I lived it well
As many tales I live to tell
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now
To fly from the highest wing
I had a dream
While this week has probably been one of the most hellish on record, I've come out the other side. Barely. But I have.
Can I get a woot?
I've decided that I want better.
And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get better.
Stay posted as to what that will entail.
Because I'm not even sure.
First step?
Buy a tiara.
And wear it as often as possible.
Remembering that I am loved by many.
Especially the Lord.
Who sees me in every moment and says: "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you...You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace."
That's me.
Step one.
B
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
...and it's just not getting any better.
Hiding doesn't even begin to explain my life for the past...8(ish) months.
While sitting around may seem normal to anyone else, it just further reiterates how "not ok" I am.
I've had bad things happen to me, but over and above that, I've done bad things.
Things that catch me off guard in the slightest, but because I don't feel anything lately, they don't catch me off nearly as badly as they should.
You think I would run from complication and pain, since I've seen so much of it already, but somehow, I've gotten caught up in the downward spiral.
I thought I'd hit rock bottom. Rock bottom was familiar.
But apparently the rabbit hole doesn't have much of a limit.
And yet I somehow keep on digging.
There are momentous occasions in everyone's life...things that should ordinarily be celebrated, treasured. At least, so I was told
Mine, so far have all been major disappointments. Not even worth telling, let alone celebrating. Because they're all just sad, upsetting stories that make people mad, sad, speechless or uncomfortable.
And that's just so fun to inflict on other people.
(Sarcasm)
I hate dropping my "bomb" on people. And it's not even the full bomb. It's somehow the "digestible" bomb. If they knew everything, they'd have me sent away.
The thing I hate the most is inadvertently dragging people I love into my crap/gong show life.
There are people that love me so completely and are so understanding and gracious that just seem to absorb all of this.
Well, to be honest, there's only a few people that know the deepest and the darkest side.
Because it would freak most anyone else right out if they know what was up, and I'm not up for the surveillance and the worry. And no, I'm not going to hurt myself. Not physically. The emotional side is sufficient, thank you very much.
But even the people that know the deepest and the darkest have to have a limit. And I think I've found a way to do that. Frick. I WOULD find that limit. And push it somehow.
I know this is all very vague and convoluted, (ha) but there is no way I'm going to type out this whole scenario for the world to see.
Just know that life's moments have a tendency to be paradoxical.
Momentous yet horrible.
As my friend once said, it's happy/sad.
And she said that in the most happy/sad moment of my life.
The trend continues.
I had to mull over what the hell I'm going to learn from this situation. Because right now, hopelessness and complication seems to be the only likely outcome.
But my greatest wish is that the people that I never hurt the people that surround me during this "self-implosion."
I'll be there for them, no matter what.
As long as they still want me around.
My next greatest wish is that this hell would stop.
I don't know myself.
And it's scaring me.
At least, I think it is.
It's tough to know when feeling is a foreign concept.
Now, now, now people that don't know what's going on, just keep me in your thoughts, but don't worry! These are just the tired thoughts of a girl in a valley. I'll be okay, though. Just give it time. I'll be back.
I have to.
B
While sitting around may seem normal to anyone else, it just further reiterates how "not ok" I am.
I've had bad things happen to me, but over and above that, I've done bad things.
Things that catch me off guard in the slightest, but because I don't feel anything lately, they don't catch me off nearly as badly as they should.
You think I would run from complication and pain, since I've seen so much of it already, but somehow, I've gotten caught up in the downward spiral.
I thought I'd hit rock bottom. Rock bottom was familiar.
But apparently the rabbit hole doesn't have much of a limit.
And yet I somehow keep on digging.
There are momentous occasions in everyone's life...things that should ordinarily be celebrated, treasured. At least, so I was told
Mine, so far have all been major disappointments. Not even worth telling, let alone celebrating. Because they're all just sad, upsetting stories that make people mad, sad, speechless or uncomfortable.
And that's just so fun to inflict on other people.
(Sarcasm)
I hate dropping my "bomb" on people. And it's not even the full bomb. It's somehow the "digestible" bomb. If they knew everything, they'd have me sent away.
The thing I hate the most is inadvertently dragging people I love into my crap/gong show life.
There are people that love me so completely and are so understanding and gracious that just seem to absorb all of this.
Well, to be honest, there's only a few people that know the deepest and the darkest side.
Because it would freak most anyone else right out if they know what was up, and I'm not up for the surveillance and the worry. And no, I'm not going to hurt myself. Not physically. The emotional side is sufficient, thank you very much.
But even the people that know the deepest and the darkest have to have a limit. And I think I've found a way to do that. Frick. I WOULD find that limit. And push it somehow.
I know this is all very vague and convoluted, (ha) but there is no way I'm going to type out this whole scenario for the world to see.
Just know that life's moments have a tendency to be paradoxical.
Momentous yet horrible.
As my friend once said, it's happy/sad.
And she said that in the most happy/sad moment of my life.
The trend continues.
I had to mull over what the hell I'm going to learn from this situation. Because right now, hopelessness and complication seems to be the only likely outcome.
But my greatest wish is that the people that I never hurt the people that surround me during this "self-implosion."
I'll be there for them, no matter what.
As long as they still want me around.
My next greatest wish is that this hell would stop.
I don't know myself.
And it's scaring me.
At least, I think it is.
It's tough to know when feeling is a foreign concept.
Now, now, now people that don't know what's going on, just keep me in your thoughts, but don't worry! These are just the tired thoughts of a girl in a valley. I'll be okay, though. Just give it time. I'll be back.
I have to.
B
Thursday, November 4, 2010
What Would I have Done?
It's been a while, and I'm sure this one will be brief, mostly because I have to go to English soon and I have a midterm that I need to prepare for.
That aside, the last month and a half has been the most MESSED up time I've ever had.
I feel as if I've spent most of the time on the outside of myself looking in, shaking my head asking, "Who in the world is that? And does she not see how stupid she's being?"
At the same time I've been so caught up in the downward spiral that I feel like I can't escape.
The word "self-implosion" comes to mind.
If that's even a legit word. For argument's sake, we'll say it is.
So I asked for help.
Which, in reality, was probably the healthiest thing I could have ever done for myself, while consequentially being the most exhausting thing EVER.
Introspection is he most demanding thing I've ever done.
And I've done a lot.
But I've never been more down.
I long for the day that I will be myself again.
I miss being the incurable optimist and the "bringer of joy" that I once was.
And while I'm still "me" I feel like those closest to me are brought down by my many troubles.
I'm open with my life and trials, but I don't like bogging people down with all this crap that has mercilessly piled up.
It's not fair to just drop that on them, and yet if I don't, I'll drown.
Thankfully, I am blessed with AMAZING friends that surround me, tolerate me, encourage me, listen to me and love me.
Just the other day, my friend had a revelation that I'm still trying to unpack.
Three of us were sitting, praying, and she saw three angels angels (which, awesomely, is not uncommon).
The next night, she had a revelation about all of them:
Bea's was on the right. and it was breathtakenly beautiful. so much so, that i couldn't take it all in, all i could focus on was it's wing, and i was blown away just by that. it glistened, and each feather was so perfect, and so beautiful. gleaming. glistening. like the kind of beauty that just makes you blush inside. this is your angel, because this is truely how God sees you. you are breathtakingly beautiful, and valued to Him. you are His treasure. like the one inside the treasure box that is locked up with lock and key, and when the box is open it just gleams and glows and radiates... but only when Jesus unlocks it. and I see he has the key safe, and only he knows where it is. he holds it close to Him, around His neck.
you are His treasure. and He is so proud of you.
That's the angel that God has sent to protect me, even when I don't protect myself.
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
That you would call me friend?
That you would send an angel to protect me when I've failed you so?
This is grace.
Infinite, selfless and unconditional love.
This is the love that is offered to me.
What am I doing with it?
*Sigh*
That aside, the last month and a half has been the most MESSED up time I've ever had.
I feel as if I've spent most of the time on the outside of myself looking in, shaking my head asking, "Who in the world is that? And does she not see how stupid she's being?"
At the same time I've been so caught up in the downward spiral that I feel like I can't escape.
The word "self-implosion" comes to mind.
If that's even a legit word. For argument's sake, we'll say it is.
So I asked for help.
Which, in reality, was probably the healthiest thing I could have ever done for myself, while consequentially being the most exhausting thing EVER.
Introspection is he most demanding thing I've ever done.
And I've done a lot.
But I've never been more down.
I long for the day that I will be myself again.
I miss being the incurable optimist and the "bringer of joy" that I once was.
And while I'm still "me" I feel like those closest to me are brought down by my many troubles.
I'm open with my life and trials, but I don't like bogging people down with all this crap that has mercilessly piled up.
It's not fair to just drop that on them, and yet if I don't, I'll drown.
Thankfully, I am blessed with AMAZING friends that surround me, tolerate me, encourage me, listen to me and love me.
Just the other day, my friend had a revelation that I'm still trying to unpack.
Three of us were sitting, praying, and she saw three angels angels (which, awesomely, is not uncommon).
The next night, she had a revelation about all of them:
Bea's was on the right. and it was breathtakenly beautiful. so much so, that i couldn't take it all in, all i could focus on was it's wing, and i was blown away just by that. it glistened, and each feather was so perfect, and so beautiful. gleaming. glistening. like the kind of beauty that just makes you blush inside. this is your angel, because this is truely how God sees you. you are breathtakingly beautiful, and valued to Him. you are His treasure. like the one inside the treasure box that is locked up with lock and key, and when the box is open it just gleams and glows and radiates... but only when Jesus unlocks it. and I see he has the key safe, and only he knows where it is. he holds it close to Him, around His neck.
you are His treasure. and He is so proud of you.
That's the angel that God has sent to protect me, even when I don't protect myself.
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
That you would call me friend?
That you would send an angel to protect me when I've failed you so?
This is grace.
Infinite, selfless and unconditional love.
This is the love that is offered to me.
What am I doing with it?
*Sigh*
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