What Would I have Done?

It's been a while, and I'm sure this one will be brief, mostly because I have to go to English soon and I have a midterm that I need to prepare for.

That aside, the last month and a half has been the most MESSED up time I've ever had.

I feel as if I've spent most of the time on the outside of myself looking in, shaking my head asking, "Who in the world is that? And does she not see how stupid she's being?"

At the same time I've been so caught up in the downward spiral that I feel like I can't escape.

The word "self-implosion" comes to mind.

If that's even a legit word. For argument's sake, we'll say it is.

So I asked for help.

Which, in reality, was probably the healthiest thing I could have ever done for myself, while consequentially being the most exhausting thing EVER.

Introspection is he most demanding thing I've ever done.

And I've done a lot.

But I've never been more down.

I long for the day that I will be myself again.

I miss being the incurable optimist and the "bringer of joy" that I once was.

And while I'm still "me" I feel like those closest to me are brought down by my many troubles.

I'm open with my life and trials, but I don't like bogging people down with all this crap that has mercilessly piled up.

It's not fair to just drop that on them, and yet if I don't, I'll drown.

Thankfully, I am blessed with AMAZING friends that surround me, tolerate me, encourage me, listen to me and love me.

Just the other day, my friend had a revelation that I'm still trying to unpack.

Three of us were sitting, praying, and she saw three angels angels (which, awesomely, is not uncommon).

The next night, she had a revelation about all of them:

Bea's was on the right. and it was breathtakenly beautiful. so much so, that i couldn't take it all in, all i could focus on was it's wing, and i was blown away just by that. it glistened, and each feather was so perfect, and so beautiful. gleaming. glistening. like the kind of beauty that just makes you blush inside. this is your angel, because this is truely how God sees you. you are breathtakingly beautiful, and valued to Him. you are His treasure. like the one inside the treasure box that is locked up with lock and key, and when the box is open it just gleams and glows and radiates... but only when Jesus unlocks it. and I see he has the key safe, and only he knows where it is. he holds it close to Him, around His neck.
you are His treasure. and He is so proud of you.

That's the angel that God has sent to protect me, even when I don't protect myself.

Who am I that You are mindful of me?

That you would call me friend?

That you would send an angel to protect me when I've failed you so?

This is grace.

Infinite, selfless and unconditional love.

This is the love that is offered to me.

What am I doing with it?

*Sigh*