...and it's just not getting any better.

Hiding doesn't even begin to explain my life for the past...8(ish) months.

While sitting around may seem normal to anyone else, it just further reiterates how "not ok" I am.

I've had bad things happen to me, but over and above that, I've done bad things.

Things that catch me off guard in the slightest, but because I don't feel anything lately, they don't catch me off nearly as badly as they should.

You think I would run from complication and pain, since I've seen so much of it already, but somehow, I've gotten caught up in the downward spiral.

I thought I'd hit rock bottom. Rock bottom was familiar.

But apparently the rabbit hole doesn't have much of a limit.

And yet I somehow keep on digging.

There are momentous occasions in everyone's life...things that should ordinarily be celebrated, treasured. At least, so I was told

Mine, so far have all been major disappointments. Not even worth telling, let alone celebrating. Because they're all just sad, upsetting stories that make people mad, sad, speechless or uncomfortable.

And that's just so fun to inflict on other people.

(Sarcasm)

I hate dropping my "bomb" on people. And it's not even the full bomb. It's somehow the "digestible" bomb. If they knew everything, they'd have me sent away.

The thing I hate the most is inadvertently dragging people I love into my crap/gong show life.

There are people that love me so completely and are so understanding and gracious that just seem to absorb all of this.

Well, to be honest, there's only a few people that know the deepest and the darkest side.

Because it would freak most anyone else right out if they know what was up, and I'm not up for the surveillance and the worry. And no, I'm not going to hurt myself. Not physically. The emotional side is sufficient, thank you very much.

But even the people that know the deepest and the darkest have to have a limit. And I think I've found a way to do that. Frick. I WOULD find that limit. And push it somehow.

I know this is all very vague and convoluted, (ha) but there is no way I'm going to type out this whole scenario for the world to see.

Just know that life's moments have a tendency to be paradoxical.

Momentous yet horrible.

As my friend once said, it's happy/sad.

And she said that in the most happy/sad moment of my life.

The trend continues.

I had to mull over what the hell I'm going to learn from this situation. Because right now, hopelessness and complication seems to be the only likely outcome.

But my greatest wish is that the people that I never hurt the people that surround me during this "self-implosion."

I'll be there for them, no matter what.

As long as they still want me around.

My next greatest wish is that this hell would stop.

I don't know myself.

And it's scaring me.

At least, I think it is.

It's tough to know when feeling is a foreign concept.



Now, now, now people that don't know what's going on, just keep me in your thoughts, but don't worry! These are just the tired thoughts of a girl in a valley. I'll be okay, though. Just give it time. I'll be back.

I have to.

B