This is something from my friend Cassie's blog which warmed my heart <3
"I am so human it aches. It aches in my soul to repeatedly miss the mark. It aches in my heart, where Christ orchestrates the pounding of my beating heart – where He is still, whispering purpose to my existence with every breath I inhale. It aches there. Make it stop. Fill me up. I am wrecked. Broken. Chipped. Dismantled. Torn. I am so human it aches to the very core of who I am, who doesn’t measure up to who I was created to be. I am sick at heart. Running. But running hurts too. How did I come so far?? Thank you for following me, into the dark. I didn’t know I would be so afraid of it." – from May 2008.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became and Evil Overlord
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?” I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!” I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?” I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!” I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Way She Feels
Alright. The Way She Feels, Take 2.
As I was trying to say in my last blog, my feelings are quite frequently expressed by the lyrics of a song. I am able to talk about how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling what I feel (self assessment is a gift of mine--I can be brutally self aware) but music and songs seem to show what my feelings SOUND like.
Hm, this is hard to explain.
No matter!
I have a sneaking suspicion that this blog may have a bit of a trend. God always seems to send songs into my life that I adore and consequently have on repeat for an extended amount of time. I take pleasure in picking the songs apart and interpreting in relation to the happenings of my life. I love it :)
For the past couple of months, one of the many songs has been The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. I discovered this song in September and have come back to it every few days/weeks. I discovered a couple months ago that Between the Trees wrote this song for the To Write Love on Her Arm organization that works to present hope for people struggling with self injury, suicide, depression and addiction. Here are the lyrics:
She's upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer
To drive her pain away.
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it,
There's nothing there
There is only left over tears.
Mom and dad had no right she screams
The anger runs down both of her cheeks.
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries.
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding.
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
Curled up,
She's on the floor.
The relief left her...
She had hoped for something more
From it
And he leans down to comfort her
She is weeping
And He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
"The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse
Gets worse.
Now she's slowly opening...
Yeah, slowly opening
New eyes...
She opened her eyes
And found relief in His life
And put down her knives
Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down,
Her knife."
I've personally never been a person who has struggled with self injury or with thoughts of suicide. However I HAVE experienced pain and disappointment and through this song, I realized that physical self injury is not the only damaging escape from pain. I can go on and on about the things that we do to "escape" our pain. We all have these things. Not all, granted, are unhealthy, but I've learned that so many of them are not just physically damaging, but mentally and emotionally damaging as well.
As I realized this God uncovered another part to the story, again with the help of this song:
"And he leans down to comfort her
She is weeping
And He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
"The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse"
I was totally driving when God showed me this part of the picture, which was not good because I started crying. It was him watching me further damaging myself by not giving my pain to Him. It was Him wanting so much to help me and to heal my pain--all I had to do was ask--but I was really only making it worse by doing what I, or at least the world, thought was right. It was HIM crying as I hurt myself because when I hurt, He hurts.
I watched the music video earlier today and started crying (naturally) at the depiction of this. The girl's daddy realizes that she is cutting herself and she rushes to find her, to save her, and he finds her broken and in pain and he just falls beside her and takes her into his arms and ried with her, picks her up and takes her away.
Anyway, once I realized that all my false comforts really weren't doing much but hurt me even more, I realized that I needed to let my Daddy save me. He was made to complete me, to comfort me, to heal me. And He has. (See my very first blog!)
And now, my eyes have been open to the Truth. And now I walk in it. Confidant, safe and happy. "She opened her eyes, and found relief in His life, and put down her knives."
I've opened my eyes. I have relief and joy in my Lord and Saviour. I've put down my "knives". To God be all the glory :)
I hope and pray that you may find your joy, peace and identity in HIM.
He was created to give you that. And you were created to receive it all.
Much love.
As I was trying to say in my last blog, my feelings are quite frequently expressed by the lyrics of a song. I am able to talk about how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling what I feel (self assessment is a gift of mine--I can be brutally self aware) but music and songs seem to show what my feelings SOUND like.
Hm, this is hard to explain.
No matter!
I have a sneaking suspicion that this blog may have a bit of a trend. God always seems to send songs into my life that I adore and consequently have on repeat for an extended amount of time. I take pleasure in picking the songs apart and interpreting in relation to the happenings of my life. I love it :)
For the past couple of months, one of the many songs has been The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. I discovered this song in September and have come back to it every few days/weeks. I discovered a couple months ago that Between the Trees wrote this song for the To Write Love on Her Arm organization that works to present hope for people struggling with self injury, suicide, depression and addiction. Here are the lyrics:
She's upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer
To drive her pain away.
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it,
There's nothing there
There is only left over tears.
Mom and dad had no right she screams
The anger runs down both of her cheeks.
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries.
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding.
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
Curled up,
She's on the floor.
The relief left her...
She had hoped for something more
From it
And he leans down to comfort her
She is weeping
And He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
"The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse
Gets worse.
Now she's slowly opening...
Yeah, slowly opening
New eyes...
She opened her eyes
And found relief in His life
And put down her knives
Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down,
Her knife."
I've personally never been a person who has struggled with self injury or with thoughts of suicide. However I HAVE experienced pain and disappointment and through this song, I realized that physical self injury is not the only damaging escape from pain. I can go on and on about the things that we do to "escape" our pain. We all have these things. Not all, granted, are unhealthy, but I've learned that so many of them are not just physically damaging, but mentally and emotionally damaging as well.
As I realized this God uncovered another part to the story, again with the help of this song:
"And he leans down to comfort her
She is weeping
And He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
"The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse"
I was totally driving when God showed me this part of the picture, which was not good because I started crying. It was him watching me further damaging myself by not giving my pain to Him. It was Him wanting so much to help me and to heal my pain--all I had to do was ask--but I was really only making it worse by doing what I, or at least the world, thought was right. It was HIM crying as I hurt myself because when I hurt, He hurts.
I watched the music video earlier today and started crying (naturally) at the depiction of this. The girl's daddy realizes that she is cutting herself and she rushes to find her, to save her, and he finds her broken and in pain and he just falls beside her and takes her into his arms and ried with her, picks her up and takes her away.
Anyway, once I realized that all my false comforts really weren't doing much but hurt me even more, I realized that I needed to let my Daddy save me. He was made to complete me, to comfort me, to heal me. And He has. (See my very first blog!)
And now, my eyes have been open to the Truth. And now I walk in it. Confidant, safe and happy. "She opened her eyes, and found relief in His life, and put down her knives."
I've opened my eyes. I have relief and joy in my Lord and Saviour. I've put down my "knives". To God be all the glory :)
I hope and pray that you may find your joy, peace and identity in HIM.
He was created to give you that. And you were created to receive it all.
Much love.
What do feelings sound like?
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent -Victor Hugo
Here's the thing. And this is going to conjure up a royal DUH, but here it goes.
I love music.
For real.
There's something about me that reacts to music in a very powerful way.
I'm most definitely not saying that I'm the only one that this happens to.
That would be one serious hyperbolic statement.
Even for me.
But there's something about about music that does affect me in a particularly unique way. I say it's unique or at the very least rare because I've gotten a lot of confused looks/chuckled at before.
To be fair I'm an exceptionally emotional person, so tears do come quite quickly to me, but there has been times when a solid major sixth interval has made crumble (just ask Christine and Erin).
But music to me has always been a form of expression. Songs have always helped me process what I'm feeling and have been known to put into words the things that were merely a jumble in my head.
It's also helped me to relax, to sleep but also worked me up so much that I have to change the song because I may lose my mind :P
(Side note: Yyes, I also know that I'm a) a performer and b) a worshiper but those are other blogs for other times---today I'll stick to the music that I don't personally create with my own talents)
What is it about music that moves us so? Better yet, what makes it move ME so?
Maybe one day I'll be able to figure out why. For now I just except my reactions for what they are, enjoy the moment and then let my own curiosity try to detect the reasoning behind said reaction.
On a different note, my mind is still continually baffled by the new melodies and harmonies we continue to pull from a piano. The modern piano has been around for over 300 years and my small human mind still seems to think that there seems to be a limited amount of combinations that those 88 keys could produce. (Not saying that the piano is the be all that ends all when it comes to music---better people have been saying less blasphemous statements whilst sitting in the Music Department---but it's just my current point of reference) But after centuries and centuries and honestly millenniums of compositions and little diddies people still manage to be surprised, touched, moved, and affected but songs, be they brand new or centuries old.
The power of music.
God knew what He was doing when He crafted this piece of art. And really to me it MUST be crafted. As I've studied music theory the math involved in music continues to blow me away. It's very regulated and organized. It makes sense. There is absolutely no logical way that the just happened. No way at all. This isn't a creation of man. This is continual discovery of man. Our instruments have simply been crafted to replicate the sounds we hear in nature.
How can something so artistic and so systematic also be the epitome of artistry and expression? It's ironic to me that the name that I associate with math and right triangles, Pythagoras, is also associated with breaking down the modern day musical scale. (That was a mentally confusing day in Music History class.)
Only a brilliant God could pull that off.
But I have completely digressed from my original intent for this blog.
So I will end this blog, which has now become it's own idea and try again.
Much love.
Here's the thing. And this is going to conjure up a royal DUH, but here it goes.
I love music.
For real.
There's something about me that reacts to music in a very powerful way.
I'm most definitely not saying that I'm the only one that this happens to.
That would be one serious hyperbolic statement.
Even for me.
But there's something about about music that does affect me in a particularly unique way. I say it's unique or at the very least rare because I've gotten a lot of confused looks/chuckled at before.
To be fair I'm an exceptionally emotional person, so tears do come quite quickly to me, but there has been times when a solid major sixth interval has made crumble (just ask Christine and Erin).
But music to me has always been a form of expression. Songs have always helped me process what I'm feeling and have been known to put into words the things that were merely a jumble in my head.
It's also helped me to relax, to sleep but also worked me up so much that I have to change the song because I may lose my mind :P
(Side note: Yyes, I also know that I'm a) a performer and b) a worshiper but those are other blogs for other times---today I'll stick to the music that I don't personally create with my own talents)
What is it about music that moves us so? Better yet, what makes it move ME so?
Maybe one day I'll be able to figure out why. For now I just except my reactions for what they are, enjoy the moment and then let my own curiosity try to detect the reasoning behind said reaction.
On a different note, my mind is still continually baffled by the new melodies and harmonies we continue to pull from a piano. The modern piano has been around for over 300 years and my small human mind still seems to think that there seems to be a limited amount of combinations that those 88 keys could produce. (Not saying that the piano is the be all that ends all when it comes to music---better people have been saying less blasphemous statements whilst sitting in the Music Department---but it's just my current point of reference) But after centuries and centuries and honestly millenniums of compositions and little diddies people still manage to be surprised, touched, moved, and affected but songs, be they brand new or centuries old.
The power of music.
God knew what He was doing when He crafted this piece of art. And really to me it MUST be crafted. As I've studied music theory the math involved in music continues to blow me away. It's very regulated and organized. It makes sense. There is absolutely no logical way that the just happened. No way at all. This isn't a creation of man. This is continual discovery of man. Our instruments have simply been crafted to replicate the sounds we hear in nature.
How can something so artistic and so systematic also be the epitome of artistry and expression? It's ironic to me that the name that I associate with math and right triangles, Pythagoras, is also associated with breaking down the modern day musical scale. (That was a mentally confusing day in Music History class.)
Only a brilliant God could pull that off.
But I have completely digressed from my original intent for this blog.
So I will end this blog, which has now become it's own idea and try again.
Much love.
Monday, December 7, 2009
This is a New Day
This is a brand new day ladies and gents. Four months to the day, my beloved people and I can say nothing but my God is so good and to HIM be all the glory!
*victory dances*
I've never considered myself much of a writer, but today I felt inspired, and so here I am! I've always found a lot of clarity and security in writing out and processing things, but I've never been diligent about it. So, in celebration of this new chapter, allow me to welcome you into my head...it may be scattered and it my be honest, but it's me. And I like me :) A lot, actually...
Looking back on the last 2 years of my life I sense that God has put me through many seasons, each one of them literally lasting about 4 months a piece. Today, for me "unofficially", but somewhat officially marks the end of the latest one. The grieving clothes are off, the grieving season is gone. From death, life has began to spring! My heart has been restored and my love has never been more full. Granted, I'm sure there will still be times where perseverance will be required, but I decided that the pain would only be the Lord healing something, not the enemy getting to me. I've had more than enough of that and it stops. Here. Now. No questions asked.
I'm finally reaching the end of this semester and I must say that I didn't know how I would make it. The last few months have been a blur of events and emotions. Literally, some days I didn't know which way was up and how on Earth anyone could survive the incapacitating pain of refinement, but I wouldn't trade a moment of it.
I read this verse today: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” – James 1:2-3
Never lacking. My God is never lacking. Habbakuk says He's never late. Everything is in His time. Including healing. And here I am. Healed. Whole. Booya.
*victory dances*
I've never considered myself much of a writer, but today I felt inspired, and so here I am! I've always found a lot of clarity and security in writing out and processing things, but I've never been diligent about it. So, in celebration of this new chapter, allow me to welcome you into my head...it may be scattered and it my be honest, but it's me. And I like me :) A lot, actually...
Looking back on the last 2 years of my life I sense that God has put me through many seasons, each one of them literally lasting about 4 months a piece. Today, for me "unofficially", but somewhat officially marks the end of the latest one. The grieving clothes are off, the grieving season is gone. From death, life has began to spring! My heart has been restored and my love has never been more full. Granted, I'm sure there will still be times where perseverance will be required, but I decided that the pain would only be the Lord healing something, not the enemy getting to me. I've had more than enough of that and it stops. Here. Now. No questions asked.
I'm finally reaching the end of this semester and I must say that I didn't know how I would make it. The last few months have been a blur of events and emotions. Literally, some days I didn't know which way was up and how on Earth anyone could survive the incapacitating pain of refinement, but I wouldn't trade a moment of it.
I read this verse today: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” – James 1:2-3
Never lacking. My God is never lacking. Habbakuk says He's never late. Everything is in His time. Including healing. And here I am. Healed. Whole. Booya.
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