uno!

on a different note, i've now had this blog for a year!

yipee!

unfortunately, it has kept track on the most painful year of my life.

great timing.

my first post is so painful to read.

i had no idea what was even coming.

but we're on the other side now!

win?

humpty dumpty

when will my heart stop hurting?

honestly.

how many times can it be broken?

it seems that once it's been broken once, it never fully heals.

so when it's been shattered, there seems to always be little cracks.

and the smallest rattle just makes it fall to pieces again.

i don't want my heart to hurt anymore.

i hate feeling like this all the time.

lord, save me. heal me. restore me.

only you can put me back together.

because i can't do this by myself.

i'm far too weak. too human.

and it just hurts too much.

so much.

it's debilitating.

i can't breathe.

i want to breathe.

inhale deeply.

and feel free.

not pain.

not this deep.

not this cutting.

i'm so broken.

put me back together.

so i can live.

and not just survive.

i sucks being reminded daily of your own i ability to live life without failing.

that's why we need a saviour in every moment.

but i need to get rid of all of this.

because i'm more and more of a shell.

and i hate it.

b

Dream

Dream-Priscilla Ahn
I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down at me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest tree
I had a dream

oooo....

Now I'm old and feeling gray
I don't know what's left to say
About this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full, I lived it well
As many tales I live to tell
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now
To fly from the highest wing
I had a dream

While this week has probably been one of the most hellish on record, I've come out the other side. Barely. But I have.

Can I get a woot?

I've decided that I want better.

And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get better.

Stay posted as to what that will entail.

Because I'm not even sure.

First step?

Buy a tiara.

And wear it as often as possible.

Remembering that I am loved by many.

Especially the Lord.

Who sees me in every moment and says: "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you...You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace."

That's me.

Step one.

B

...and it's just not getting any better.

Hiding doesn't even begin to explain my life for the past...8(ish) months.

While sitting around may seem normal to anyone else, it just further reiterates how "not ok" I am.

I've had bad things happen to me, but over and above that, I've done bad things.

Things that catch me off guard in the slightest, but because I don't feel anything lately, they don't catch me off nearly as badly as they should.

You think I would run from complication and pain, since I've seen so much of it already, but somehow, I've gotten caught up in the downward spiral.

I thought I'd hit rock bottom. Rock bottom was familiar.

But apparently the rabbit hole doesn't have much of a limit.

And yet I somehow keep on digging.

There are momentous occasions in everyone's life...things that should ordinarily be celebrated, treasured. At least, so I was told

Mine, so far have all been major disappointments. Not even worth telling, let alone celebrating. Because they're all just sad, upsetting stories that make people mad, sad, speechless or uncomfortable.

And that's just so fun to inflict on other people.

(Sarcasm)

I hate dropping my "bomb" on people. And it's not even the full bomb. It's somehow the "digestible" bomb. If they knew everything, they'd have me sent away.

The thing I hate the most is inadvertently dragging people I love into my crap/gong show life.

There are people that love me so completely and are so understanding and gracious that just seem to absorb all of this.

Well, to be honest, there's only a few people that know the deepest and the darkest side.

Because it would freak most anyone else right out if they know what was up, and I'm not up for the surveillance and the worry. And no, I'm not going to hurt myself. Not physically. The emotional side is sufficient, thank you very much.

But even the people that know the deepest and the darkest have to have a limit. And I think I've found a way to do that. Frick. I WOULD find that limit. And push it somehow.

I know this is all very vague and convoluted, (ha) but there is no way I'm going to type out this whole scenario for the world to see.

Just know that life's moments have a tendency to be paradoxical.

Momentous yet horrible.

As my friend once said, it's happy/sad.

And she said that in the most happy/sad moment of my life.

The trend continues.

I had to mull over what the hell I'm going to learn from this situation. Because right now, hopelessness and complication seems to be the only likely outcome.

But my greatest wish is that the people that I never hurt the people that surround me during this "self-implosion."

I'll be there for them, no matter what.

As long as they still want me around.

My next greatest wish is that this hell would stop.

I don't know myself.

And it's scaring me.

At least, I think it is.

It's tough to know when feeling is a foreign concept.



Now, now, now people that don't know what's going on, just keep me in your thoughts, but don't worry! These are just the tired thoughts of a girl in a valley. I'll be okay, though. Just give it time. I'll be back.

I have to.

B

What Would I have Done?

It's been a while, and I'm sure this one will be brief, mostly because I have to go to English soon and I have a midterm that I need to prepare for.

That aside, the last month and a half has been the most MESSED up time I've ever had.

I feel as if I've spent most of the time on the outside of myself looking in, shaking my head asking, "Who in the world is that? And does she not see how stupid she's being?"

At the same time I've been so caught up in the downward spiral that I feel like I can't escape.

The word "self-implosion" comes to mind.

If that's even a legit word. For argument's sake, we'll say it is.

So I asked for help.

Which, in reality, was probably the healthiest thing I could have ever done for myself, while consequentially being the most exhausting thing EVER.

Introspection is he most demanding thing I've ever done.

And I've done a lot.

But I've never been more down.

I long for the day that I will be myself again.

I miss being the incurable optimist and the "bringer of joy" that I once was.

And while I'm still "me" I feel like those closest to me are brought down by my many troubles.

I'm open with my life and trials, but I don't like bogging people down with all this crap that has mercilessly piled up.

It's not fair to just drop that on them, and yet if I don't, I'll drown.

Thankfully, I am blessed with AMAZING friends that surround me, tolerate me, encourage me, listen to me and love me.

Just the other day, my friend had a revelation that I'm still trying to unpack.

Three of us were sitting, praying, and she saw three angels angels (which, awesomely, is not uncommon).

The next night, she had a revelation about all of them:

Bea's was on the right. and it was breathtakenly beautiful. so much so, that i couldn't take it all in, all i could focus on was it's wing, and i was blown away just by that. it glistened, and each feather was so perfect, and so beautiful. gleaming. glistening. like the kind of beauty that just makes you blush inside. this is your angel, because this is truely how God sees you. you are breathtakingly beautiful, and valued to Him. you are His treasure. like the one inside the treasure box that is locked up with lock and key, and when the box is open it just gleams and glows and radiates... but only when Jesus unlocks it. and I see he has the key safe, and only he knows where it is. he holds it close to Him, around His neck.
you are His treasure. and He is so proud of you.

That's the angel that God has sent to protect me, even when I don't protect myself.

Who am I that You are mindful of me?

That you would call me friend?

That you would send an angel to protect me when I've failed you so?

This is grace.

Infinite, selfless and unconditional love.

This is the love that is offered to me.

What am I doing with it?

*Sigh*

Gravity/No power of Hell, No scheme of man...

Why must people always play the victim?
Seriously, find anyone who's complaining about anything and they're victimizing themselves one way or another.
And why do we do it? (Yes, I can easily say I include myself in this)
Is it because we love to be "right"? Sympathized? Listened to? Vengeful with our spiteful words?
I don't know. I guess it depends on the day.

This song sort of embodied me for the past...well...while:

"Gravity"-Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

But today, I decided that I'm going to stop playing the victim.

It's a tired roll.

And granted, it's served me well (ugh, who am I kidding, no it hasn't), but it's served its purpose for the time that I needed it.

People told me to take this time to sift through feelings, emotions, hurt, pains, joys, grief....but where does it end?

I want to be better. Lord knows, someday I WILL be better.

And so I realized of how sick I was down in the muck of my misery and I said, "That's enough. I don't want this anymore."

So whatever was left of me that was attached, concerned about or bothered by my life in the last year in the half was straight up told to go.

I told it all I was done with it, I lifted my hands up, held them in front of me, and dropped it. It def outstayed its "welcome" and I gave it up, seemingly for the hundreth time to the Lord.

Thankfully, my Lord is very gracious and He took it again, because He recognized that this was a whole brand new layer of grossness.

I'm not happy. Not all the way to my core.

Ha, I haven't been a very good "Christian"...not that superficiality means diddly squat to me. But my intimacy with the Lord has been lacking. And I can feel the massive void, the chasm in my centre.

And I asked Him to refill it.

I want to feel again.

Even if it's not me breathing...if it's Him living and breathing in me, at least I'll feel. Life support is better than living with out oxygen.

Forgiveness is the key to this new life. This "New Man" that's mentioned in Scripture.

I want to be excited about Him again. To seek Him again. To have Him in front of me; all I see, all I want. He's worth it.

In Him alone lies the freedom my entire being is crying out for, even if it only feels like a faint, muffled whimper, the desire to be alive, to be ME has not died...He will not allow it. It's far too beautiful.

I remember crying out "I don't want to be crushed anymore! I don't want to be crushed! To feel crushed! No more crushed! Please. It hurts too much...it hurts too much...

"Love is still equated with pain!" I realized. "I don't trust love!" I cried to my own surprise. No wonder I'd hidden myself from Him. I didn't trust Him. That breaks my heart almost as much as it must hurt His. Ouchies. Those are lies. All of it. I can't believe I believed those lies. Those are the lies I wanted to avoid.

But when this all was happening, in the midst of lying there, all my insides, pains and mishaps laid bare for the world to see in the most pain of my young life, I asked Him to do whatever took to be ok. Not that I believe that He brought this upon me. But refinement isn't always pretty. It's pretty brutal if anything. And this word just in: Humbling. Ouch. But it will be worth it. And He's already done so much. So it's the best worst pray I've ever uttered.

So, as I sat there again, bare, I prayed again, to be delivered, to walk in my purpose, to live up to my namesake: the Bringer of Joy.

I want it all to be for His glory. Nothing else matters. As long as I'm pleasing Him, I am satisfied.

Then I remembered one of my favourite hymns:

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
SIN'S CURSE HAS LOST ITS GRIP ON ME.
For I am His and He is mine (three lines that will one day probably be found permenantly marked on my body...God is great, but I like reminders)
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

(and the other line that will probably be found on me): No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand!!!!
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

Much love, at least, what I have left to give,

Peaches

Baby of MIne

So, prelude:

I've always wanted to be a mother. I can't remember a time where this wasn't the case. Sometimes God gives me a glimpse of the unconditional love of a parent, of a mother. It's part of learning to love like Him. It's part of learning how He loves me.

And in these moments I feel like my baby (or babies) are already here and my heart is filled with a love that hurts in the most beautiful, fulfilling way.

I'm excited to become a Mami :D (mommy in spanish = mami!!)

Not happening in the foreseeable future, ha! But at the same time it'll also be here before I even realize it's here.

Life has a way of surprising you right?

So I'm greatful that God has used my life experiences to prepare myself to be a Mami.

Because I want to be the best Mami there is :)

And I fully plan on doing everything in my power, aka giving it all to God, so that that baby will always feel loved in every moment. Because my baby will be :) As I am :)

Yes, My God is so good.

Baby,

I wish I could explain to you how much I already love you.

Even though you may not come for many more years,

Tu mami te quiere.

I've imagined you in my heart and in my mind and I know that the joy and anticipation that I feel is only a glimpse of what it one day will be, but I want you to know that even today, before Jesus decides to create you in me, you are treasured.

On this Earth, you in my arms will bring unrivaled awe, joy, wonder and fear.

Every part of you will be cherished.

And Mami won't let you ever believe otherwise.

For you will be fearfully and wonderfully made by the Magnificent Creator.

In His image.

And I won't ever let you forget it.

You will never be regretted, rejected or resented.

No matter when you come, my heart will rejoice beyond my mere words.

You will be mine.

The greatest accomplishment of my life by the grace of My Saviour.

My life, little one, has opened my eyes to the beauty of you.

Know that you are wanted. Worthy. Loved. Protected. With a mighty destiny.

Nothing less.

You have already stolen this Mami's heart.

Every moment with you will be a gift from our God up in Heaven.

And I thank Him now for every moment I get to have with you.

For every smile to come,

For every tear you shed,

Your Mami is here, with arms wide open,

With my heart already in your hand.

Your mami will always fight for you,

Her fierce protection only superseded but that of our Abba,

Whose love you cannot yet imagine.

I wait patiently for your arrival,

But know, mi corazon, that your arrival will be cause for a great celebration,

Because you are the greatest gift that My Beloved could ever give me on this Earth,

And you will be my treasure.

You are already my treasure.

Mami loves you baby of mine.

Much love,

B

What Does Love Look Like?

This is how Jesus loves me and how He is teaching me to love every single day:

Misty Edwards-Arms Wide Open

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding

Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love

He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2ZCIp0HiRo

much <3,
b

Friendships Dies Hard

I miss my best friend.
Yup. This marks the 1 year anniversary of the hardest week for my life.
Not just one day.
But yes, the entire week.
I try not to think about that too much, and it works out quite well for me...
No one needs that replayed in there mind more than absolutely necessary.
Me telling that story is not for the fainthearted.
For realzies.
But today, I realized that all the pain that I've felt in the last 359 (ish) days was, yes, the lost of the man I planned to be with for the rest of my life...
But over and above everything that has caused me to crumble to my knees, I realized that I miss my best friend.
Of course my best girlfriends know so much about me and can make me laugh with our endless parade of inside jokes.
But this guy, the guy whom I had devoted myself to, had my heart. Selflessly and, according to me, for life.
This kind of vulnerability is all I knew, and I now that God created me to be that way, and I praise Him every day for helping me love so fully, without fear, with complete trust.
But when you love so openly, just like the Lord, you expose your heart and sadly, it seems, pain is inevitable.
Not just some pain.
Great pain.
Great, searing pain that cuts through you.
This pain was so multi-faceted, I remember just crying out to God to get me through it.
I asked Him to help me get through the pain. And not just survive. But learn. And fully heal. Refinement. Maturity.
But today, all deep, spiritual and emotional depths aside, I miss my best friend.
Not everyone would sit and watch The Incredibles with me and love it just as much.
Or recommend Cars. And Meet the Robinsons (and be able to replicate the T-Rex with a quite uncanny precision...)
Or love the hamster from Bolt as much as me.
Hm.
And those are just the Pixar memories...

The Lord gives and He takes away.
My heart will choose to say,
Blessed be Your name.

In all things, He is good.
Whom have I to fear?

I like to think that all things work for good because the Lord loves me with a love beyond my comprehension.

So I know He's taking care of me.
He will heal.
He will save.
He will restore.
He will deliver.

But I know that:

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

My God is good.
I praise you for this year Jesus.
You have been glorified.
Even if it is unexpected or unrecognizable to me and the world.

But I love you, Abba.
For you are good.

Much love,

B

Everything

I figure it's about time to post a song that has one of the biggest influences in my life.

It also happens to carry many memories.

Many pains.

Many joys.

And many things that I would rather forget.

But Truth is Truth.

So I hang on to that.

This song just took my by surprise.

My old friend and I used to cherish this song.

It enveloped the pain and the triumph we were going through.

The journey.

It remains the same.

Jesus is my everything. All I want. All I need.

And just like in the skit that I once saw...He fights for me.

All He wants is my attention.

I'm trying, Beloved. I truly am.

Here's Everything by Lifehouse:

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

much love,

b

More Than a Conqueror? Mhmm.

Hm.

A year in the life...

It's been almost a year of the most tumultuous year of my life.

But who's counting?? (I'm really not...but there's always reminders along the way...and new milestones that mark the journey since that are by no means any less impactful.)

And you can see it on me.

I'm not harsh about it, but as I look in the mirror I see the weight of my burdens.

Figuratively and literally.

As I rummage through my used-to-be wardrobe I ask God for the grace to not beat myself up or break down crying.

There's a good reason why my face has broken out more than ever before.

And why the bags under my eyes are permanently painted on deeper and darker than ever before.

Why my body's lashing out on me in the form of seemingly chronic fatigue and every possible disbalance.

And those are just the exterior physical signs.

I assure you some days I swear you would see the walking dead dragging around if my exterior honestly reflected my interior.

Yeah, I feel like a total liar when I say "I'm doing fine, thanks!"...Which is why I really say that...if I do I'm just too exhausted to even take a peek at the broken insides.

My friend mentioned the word disassociation today and I've used it in the last year and a bit.

Even when I was on cloud nine I would forget that the joy was my own.

And now, amidst the muck, I see myself and can tell myself "You need to do this and this and this to be better..."

But then I realize that there is no formula.

I give it all to God as often as it even crosses my mind and I have no doubt that He listens and that He helps. Because He does.

Believe me, I know it could be faaaaaaaar worse.

My self-awareness is such that I don't deny the fact that my Lord has come down and embraced me, carried and has never forsaken me. His grace is more abundant than the ocean is wide and I feel like I've been using every single drop at my disposal.

Oh pitiful humanity, thou art a thorn in my side!!

Why must you slump around in your weakness and add to the pile of garbage that has already collected?

"THERE IS FREEDOM" they declare!!

THEN SHOW ME, ABBA!

SHOW ME!

I don't see it! I don't feel it!!

I feel You. I do. But why must I turn my back on your so absentmindedly?

YOU have conquered the grave.

YOU have overcome sin.

You TERRIFY the Enemy.

And you LOVE me.

And you pray for ME.

You cover ME.

You DELIGHT in me????

How can one unstick an ugly mole that has begun to ravage all its surroundings?

Surgically, I guess.

And with a decent and substantial amount of pain.

I just want it goooooooone.

And this is just the sin.

I haven't even mentioned the things that float around in my mind.

It is the mind of Christ.

Then for Heaven's sake, brain, ACT LIKE IT.

2 Corinthians 12:
"7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me (NOT of Father God), lest I be exalted above measure (fulfill my inheritance and purpose). 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. (waaaaaaay more than that....ugh) 9 And He said to me, “MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS." (WELL, heck, TAKE IT! JUST TAKE IT THEN!!) Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure (um...not quite yet there...take me there) in infirmities (of which there are many), in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses (re: bags under my eyes), for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

My guts don't like that. When I am weak...aka...right now...in every moment...I am...strong???

God, I gave this to you as soon as I could because I knew I could not survive it alone.

I just don't get what you're doing.

You take care of me. You really do.

I can feel the grace.

But yet there's this weight.

Take the stuff that isn't from you.

I can't bear it.

And I shouldn't have to.

But the dam isn't that strong.

Refinement...it doesn't suck. I can't knowingly say that. Because that's not what I believe in my heart.

Refinement...hurts.

The open heart surgery...the cancer removal is still in the process.

And in many ways, I feel like you've given me a shot of anesthetic to survive the worst of it...which comes in waves.

And I can deal with that... Your ways are so greater than mine.

But your "Bringer of Joy" doesn't feel like she's living up to her name sake.

Ha.

Well, then again, that Joy was all You. Always has been. And I still seem to make people happy...aka You still use me to make people happy...so thank you for still using this surgery patient.

For You are good.

Because You love me, You will rescue me-Ps 91

Oh rescue me, Abba!!

Yeshua. Yeshua. Yeshua.

Help me.

Your child is weak.

She needs your strength.

She can't seem to find hers.

It wasn't super anyway.

I'm in repair.

I'm still here.

But it's hard to sound like yourself but not feel like yourself.

You can only lie to yourself for so long.

And then your laugh sounds so fake it just upsets you.

SPRING UP OH WELL WITHIN ME.

We need all the back up we can get.

Captain and your guards? Guard this palanquin tightly. (Song of Songs)
I know you have more men around me then usual and you're all like super experts at this...but I seem to be letting garbage in...just don't listen to me. Kill it. Ask Abba. Not me. The Spirit within me groans and intercedes on my behalf (Romans 8)

Listen to Him. Not me.

Much obliged.

Lord, help me.

I need to be healed.

I want it all. You have so much planned for me, I can't even imagine it (1 Cor 2:9).


And You are so faithful, You're still leading me that way. But this needs to be gone.

And as we've already worked out, this is so Yours.

More grace Abba. More love. More You. And less me.

Oh, and thank you for the free Blackberry! It's the nicest material thing you could have given me :) It's beautiful!! You do take care of me, regardless of the rest of this message says :P You've got me. And thank you for these beautiful reminders and answers to prayer.

I don't doubt.

I will never doubt.

Just not get it :P

Thank you for being so great that your ways are beyond me <3

B


Romans 7 (New King James Version)

Romans 7
Freed from the Law
4 Therefore, my brethren, you also have become dead to the law through the body of Christ, that you may be married to another—to Him who was raised from the dead, that we should bear fruit to God. 5 For when we were in the flesh, the sinful passions which were aroused by the law were at work in our members to bear fruit to death. (SEE! RIGHT THERE!! IT SAYS IM FREE ENEMY!! GA!! Yeshua, cultivate this soooo firmly in my soul, mind and heart!) 6 But now we have been DELIVERED from the law, having died to what we were held by, so that we should serve in the newness of the Spirit and not in the oldness of the letter.


Law Cannot Save from Sin

13 Has then what is good become death to me? Certainly not! But sin, that it might appear sin, was producing death in me through what is good, so that sin through the commandment might become exceedingly sinful. 14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I DO NOT understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I DO. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, BUT SIN THAT DWELLS IN ME. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in MY FLESH---die flesh, DIE!) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. (the one reassurance--I can live without that gross stuff stuck on me)

21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O WRETCHED MAN THAT I AM! WHO will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I THANK GOD—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.


And now, my favourite chapter in the Bible that is posted all over my walls...

JESUS--GET THIS IN MY head for it is engrained Spirit!

Romans 8

Free from Indwelling Sin

1 There is therefore now NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (ya. i know. HUH?), who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the SPIRIT (Oh how the battle continues on--thank you for fighting it for me...and for winning it for me). 2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me FREE from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, 4 that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. 6 For to be carnally minded is DEATH, but to be spiritually minded is life and PEACE (Yes!! please!). 7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. 8 So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

9 But you (Yes, ME, B!) are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. 10 And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Sonship Through the Spirit

12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

From Suffering to Glory

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the GLORY which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; 21 because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. 23 Not only that, but we also who have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. 24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

26 Likewise THE SPIRIT ALSO HELPS IN OUR WEAKNESSES. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

God’s Everlasting Love

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:


“ For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”

37 Yet in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Much love,

B

Here is Love

Here is love, vast as the ocean,
Lovingkindness as the flood,
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom,
Shed for us His precious blood.
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten,
Throughout Heav’n’s eternal days.

On the mount of crucifixion,
Fountains opened deep and wide;
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide.
Grace and love, like mighty rivers,
Poured incessant from above,
And Heav’n’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love.

Let me all Thy love accepting,
Love Thee, ever all my days;
Let me seek Thy kingdom only
And my life be to Thy praise;
Thou alone shalt be my glory,
Nothing in the world I see.
Thou hast cleansed and sanctified me,
Thou Thyself hast set me free.

In Thy truth Thou dost direct me
By Thy Spirit through Thy Word;
And Thy grace my need is meeting,
As I trust in Thee, my Lord.
Of Thy fullness Thou art pouring
Thy great love and power on me,
Without measure, full and boundless,
Drawing out my heart to Thee.


No love is higher. No love is wider.
No love is deeper. No love is truer.

Jesus Paid It All

I hear the Saviour say,
"Thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness watch and pray.
Find in my thine all in all.

Jesus paid it all.
All to Him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete.
"Jesus died my soul to save,"
My lips shall still repeat.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

Oh praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead.

blah

the unkemptness of this post will reflect it's emptiness.
why do i fall every time i start something...
or want something?
or feel something.
i break off fear of failure and the sin on my life and over my city.
imagine that wave them in and in me and the joy in you.

i love you regardless ;)
love you tons,
b

*SIGH*

To say that this year has been the worst would be a gross underestimation.

Yet somehow, miracle of miracles God has made it good.

How does He do it?

Takes my ashes, my pain, my sorrow, my loss, my hurts, my garbage and my sins and makes it JOY, PEACE, WHOLE AND BEAUTIFUL?

Who is this God that I serve? This God that can make all things well?

Who is this God that can make me whole again?

Who is proud of me?

Who looks on me and says "Wow. Look at her. Look at her being such a trooper. I love her you know. I love her so much. And guess what? She loves me too."

He is not just jealous for me. He is giddy over me. And I for one will never understand how He blesses me like He does.

But He does. And I love Him. I don't want to let Him down.

And still after every failure in my eyes, He looks at me and says "Never a failure. You can't disappoint me, sweetie. You were never holding me up. There's need for you to hold me up. Or even yourself. Let me do it."

In the trenches I would cry out "HELP, LORD HELP ME!"

Hahaha and He would ask me "WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!?! I'M RIGHT HERE"

I have the greatest army in the universe.

Me. And Jesus.

The Victorious One.

The One who has conquered it all.

For me.

Just me.

Little B.

Who rarely even takes the time for herself is reminded that the King of Kings thinks the world of her. He's got His armies posted. His love overflowing. And His eyes trying to hold mine...but He's overcome by them.

I don't get it. Nor will I ever, I pray.

One year of sorrow. One year of pain. One year of tears. One year of refinement.

Now here comes the Joy in the morning...

Deliverer

Dark.

A guy I know.

Foxes.

Talking.

Flinching.

Twice.

Praying.

Ugly.

Blue Goop.

Soul.

Ugly.

Out.

Everywhere.

Deliverance

Light.

Talking.

Learning.

Enter wife.

Jezebel.

Yellow.

Distractions.

A message.

A confirmation.

A warning.

Submission.

Mission.

Ministry.

Calling.

All in one dream.

All can change a life forever.

Zeph 3:17.

2 Kings 3.

All for me.

All in one dream.

I hope this keeps up.

I'll get to bed extra early every night ;)

Thank you Jesus.

I asked for dreams.

Dreams are here.

Lets do this.

Change

It's amazing how in a moment everything can change.

One decision.

On action.

One speech.

Even one word.

One look.

Situations.

Love.

Life.

People.

Everything can change.

Just like that.

Oh, and word of the week:

Surreal.

Resembling a dream: fantastic and incongruous.

And I'm not waking up yet.

Goodbye Waves and Driveways

Love this song:

(The Rocket Summer)

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and do you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

And don’t walk away...

A Princess in Comfortable Clothing

Well, the sentiments from my previous post "Smattering" are still pretty similar.

YAY.

But, things, at least from this semester are winding down, coming to a close, praise Jesus.

But there's still much much more to be done.

So many good things will be going on this summer. So so so many.

Four months always fly by like nothing.

My summers are never chill either.

They're always crazy.

But I look forward to the week that I will for sure have to just crash after finals are done! Boy oh boy that will be a divine week!

This is my remembering this moment, knowing that I will be blown out of the water this time next year when I look back at the end of my undergrad.

And oh what a beautiful and terrifying day THAT will be!

I know I'm rambling :P

It won't get any better.

There's just SO MUCH.

Eeeps.

I can't even start to sift through it.

Highlights tho are:

I love my family. Seriously. So much it hurts. I have the best family in the world, immediate and extended. Wouldn't trade them for the world. And I want them all to be happy, unified and at peace.

I love my friends. They make me laugh and help me not be too hard on myself or take myself/life too seriously. Who let me air out all my grievances and usually cry with the utmost patience and understanding. But somehow also make me feel like a millions bucks and make me topple over in laughter. I hope everyone gets to laugh as much and as hard as I do. How I ever got to keep these phenomenal ppl will always be beyond me!

I love my music. And even tho this semester has been tough...I don't know. It's there. And it always will be. It's going to do/be something more than I can imagine.

And I LOVE my Jesus, my God. I don't know. It's been different between us lately, hasn't it Jesus. But You're waiting for me. I know You are. Not judging. But waiting. Beckoning. Understanding. Loving. With such Grace that I don't understand. I mess up. Oh so much. Oh so very much. But You're always there. And even at my worst it comforts me. Perfect love casts out all fear. And He's there. Waiting for me. Loving me. Holding me. I just...don't understand this love. Wow. Thank you.

My, what a year it's been. The most tears. The most laughs. And up till now, the most love. I can't help but be happy. So very happy. Even in my imperfection. My mess. My frustration and lack of spark. I'm here. He's here. You're all here.

Amongst it all, I'm still the luckiest girl in the entire world.

How I'm going to get through everything that's to come in the next 4 months, I really have no idea.

But I have peace. Peace that's beyond me. And you better bet that I'm more than ok with that :D

This was my theme song today:

Turn It Off - Paramore

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Arms Wide Open-Misty Edwards

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding

Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love

He said to me, “You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

Three in One Plus B

Father God,

Remove this terror from my heart.
The one that sneaks up from behind.
The one that paralyzes me in my tracks,
That whispers lies into my ear.
And seeks to kill and destroy.

You are Sovereign,
You are Lord,
What You decree will be done.
You say You favour me,
You slay my enemies,
Please, Daddy,
Destroy these monsters for your Princess.

You...I haven't the words.
Reveal Yourself to me.
Reveal Your character, Father God.
There is so much for me to learn.
I need my Daddy.
There is more than what I currently have.
I am missing something important.
What is it?
Show me your Character.
At least, some of the sides that I'm missing.
They are innumerable.
But Everlasting Father.
Alpha. Omega.
My Creator,
Oh Lord Most Sovereign.
I want to know You.
Yahweh. Elohim. Jehovah.
I AM.
Who are You?
I want to know You.
To hear Your voice.
To be a woman after Your Heart.
I am asking so so so much.
More than my heart can currently understand.
Take me there.
For your Kingdom and for Your Glory.
I love you, Papa.



Beloved Jesus,

You know my pain.
You have lived it, felt it, carried it.
The rejection in Your beautiful heart is eternally greater than mine ever will be.
You have already healed mine so much.
Beautiful that I love. Thank you.
Even now You see my pain that remains and do not turn your gaze.
You say "Beloved, Your emotions are my treasure,
As is ever tear that you shed.
And You hasten, hasten, hasten
Your armies to cover me from all sides.
You are the Knight that saves this Princess.
You are unconquerable, unchanging, unblemished.

You have risen above the world,
Overcome it with your Love.
With your Blood and Grace
You have given me the keys to my freedom
And to unlock Your Heavenly Kingdom.

What love is this, that knows me?
That pursues me, that heals me, that molds me?
That sees through my weakness and sees strength.
That sees through my pain and sees beauty.
That sees through my sin and declares "life".
That sees through my brokenness and says "whole".
That sees past my filthy rags and sees nothing but purity.

The One that has overcome the world looks into my eyes and says,
"Turn your eyes from Me, for they have overcome Me...
You have stolen My Heart with one glance...
Your eyes are like doves, eyes of undistracted devotion"

I am My Beloved's and He is mine.

My Comfort and Friend, Holy Spirit

I love You.
I love You and Your Power.
I love You in Your subtleties.
I love You in Your displays of Mighty Works.
I love Your Mercy, Grace and Care,
I love the way You move in me.
I love the way You stir in me, excite me, convict me, teach me.
I love the way You lift me up.

I adore the way You move mountains,
I marvel at how You can heal any disease, brokenness and past.
I rejoice that You can inspire new tongues,
And let me join the Heavenlies in prayer and intercession.
I love that You welcome me alongside You to fight this fleshless war.
I am floored that You can open my eyes to the things Unseen.
I am astounded that You give me the authority to say to the mountain "Move".
I can't grasp that my words can bring life, healing and freedom.

Only through You.

Without you, I am powerless, hopeless and a slave.

With you, I have freedom, power, authority, grace, peace and abundant joy.
With you, I have Jesus with me at every step.

What more could I ever ask for?

Enthralled

"This is what Jesus is like to me. This is my testimony. This is the Christ
that I have personally encountered.

He has an immense, immeasurable,and eternal compassion. His compassion is always greater than my sin. He is scandalously forgiving. His mercy burns as it destroys shame.

He has unbounded patience, unending goodness. His love is so compelling, it heals us. It strips away all our pretense and it restores us to happiness.

His grace is the empowering presence within that enables us to feel good about ourselves.

His mercy is His total favor given gladly to an undeserving heart.

He is the kindest person I have ever known.

His goodness is so outrageous and shocking, it's actually disreputable to the religious minded. He's the happiest person I know. He has the sunniest disposition than anybody I've ever met. He is enthusiastically fervent in His pursuit of each one of us.

He is amazingly humble and gentle but He's also this powerful warrior King who loves to fight and laughs at His enemies.

He has this fabulous servant spirit. He dosn't need a title or status or position. But He joyfully sets an example of simple, heartwarming slavery.

His love is enthralling. It captivates and commands us to be the same as Him. His love is designed to overwhelm all things, especially fear, shame, and low self esteem. He loves being trusted. He is delighted and astonished when we use our faith.

He will never keep a record of our sins or our failings. He has mercy that can never be properly understood or articulated, just experienced. The only way we can explain mercy, is by being merciful ourselves. Jesus the Redeemer gives us value in the eyes of the Father. He sees and He speaks to our potential. And He both protects us and releases us to fulfill all that He wants us to see and know about ourselves. We are outrageously loved with an uncommon love.

Oh, on top of all that, He forgives. He is full of forgiveness. He loves to pardon. He loves to release an offender from the legal consequences of a conviction."

From Graham Cooke's Uncommon Love, Disk #2 "Who is God to You?"

Smattering

I feel like there's so much to say and yet so little time and attention span to share it in. So I will type and see what comes out. Bear with me.

Lately I've felt like I was in some kind of limbo. Sort of directionless. Which is quite new to me, since I'm a planner and I like to know where I'm going to I can make sure I get there with everything I need and complete awareness of my surroundings.

I've assessed myself and I've decided that I'm not a control freak, which is quite reassuring (because I would be very upset if I were), but it has been brought to my attention that I like routine. This is all well and good, but it has made me reevaluate myself. I have a sneaking suspicion that I figured this out about myself years ago. High school sounds about right. I seem to be able to do about 100 things in a week if it's all scheduled, but if my routine is thrown out the window, I get thrown for a loop. This also surprised me because I consider a flexible person, one who is open to do things if other people want to do them and who doesn't mind adjusting her schedule to suit other ppl's needs.

I remember frustrating myself SO much when I was younger because any conclusion I reached about myself was simply met with a contradiction.

Now, a handful of years later and nearing the end of the 3rd year of my undergrad, I feel like these qualities are not narrowing, they continue to polarize.

Bah.

I remember when I was younger I would be at EVERYTHING, ALWAYS, on time with bells on.

Now I tend to be late and sometimes just don't show up and this is a pattern that I've seen developing since my 2nd year and it frustrates me. I can't seem to break it. It all seems so so uncharacteristic.

Yeesh, I'm going to start crying. (One thing, at least, that has remained consistent)

The amount that I've grown in the last few years has indeed been, in my eyes, astronomical. I honestly can't believe the amount of things that I've seen, heard, learned, felt and lived. Time flies and I've tried to absorb everything I've been able to get a hold of that good be considered useful along the way.

I'm me. I know more now of who I am then I ever have (which should receive a huge DUH)but there are parts of me that still seem to be in shambles and I don't know if those are lies or just things to work on.

K, not shambles...just not where the should be. And what seems to be most frustrating, not where the used to be and not where I've experienced and thrived in them before.

I used to be known as a hard worker, a determined young woman, a leader and disciplined woman who was willing to do whatever it took to get wherever she needed to be. I was passionate.

Don't get me wrong. That's all still in there. I know very well that those things are still and will always be me. God has revealed to me, even in the smallest measure the potential that I have, but why do I feel so far from that?

I speak against any and all spirits of inadequacy. That's so not what I'm saying. I am made for glory. I am made for glory. I am made for glory. I cling to grace and the strength of my Beloved and my Saviour to walk in the path that He has set before me.

But I want that spark back. That never die attitude. The drive to be the best that I can be. That passion that drove me. God, where is it? I see pieces of it showing through, but I'm not even close to the glory that you've designed me for.

And that's why I'm frustrated. I feel defeated daily by my own humanity. The inclination to be lazy is so loud. The temptation of mediocrity seems absurdly appealing. Settling seems plenty fine to me.

I can't believe those are the thoughts in my head. The lies. Where on earth did that sludge come from?

Woah woah, wake up B. Wake up. God, give me the discernment to see where this came from. The authority to deny it. And the wisdom to run to you. Deliver me from this is Jesus' name. Ugh. GOD. I cry out to you!! I will not be mediocre! You deserve all my best!! All of me. You have put me here. God, let me always give 110%. Why should I do any less?

God, there is grace and I clothe myself in that. You will hold me up and strengthen me to thrive and have enormous FAVOUR. I will be happy. Joyous. Whole. Rested. Peaceful. Victorious. Loved. And One with You. This is my desire.

Break off any chains that are trying to restrain and cloud that desire in Jesus' name. I am Yours. Solely Yours. Who am I without you, Jesus? I need you. I want you. You are what I want. Lord, create in me the heart of Esther. I just heard that. I'm not sure why. Well, I kind of know why. But you'll bring that picture into play in due time.

Refinement is a great thing, but it's the glory of a King to seek it out.

Jesus, I pray for restoration. Completion. I don't want to see these times as time lost, Lord because that would be demeaning the things you've done in my life and WOW. There are so many. You astound me daily of the things you can do with such seemingly half hearted devotion.

And Lord, You know my heart. You know it's desire and You know I love you. So incredibly much that it hurts. You blow me away. You make my life worthwhile. You lift me up. You fill me up. You save me. Heal me. Restore me. Make me laugh. You're so good an ever present. But there's more. And I don't want any unnecessary and unfounded chains to hold me back in anyway. So take them off, and lets see what I've been missing. Acceleration. I take a hold of that declaration of acceleration.

Become the apple of my eye. The sole desire of my heart. My Beloved. My Friend.

I declare myself a woman of integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, commitment, diligence, perseverance, determination, favour, joy, peace, comfort, encouragement and love. A woman of God. Devoted to Him.

I love you Jesus.

And to whoever read this...well. That was vulnerable of me. But that was something else that I never seemed to have a problem with either :P

Jesus I pray for strength and the light of your face to shine upon me. Thank you for revealing this, Beloved. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

Much love,

B

BEE! Sheesh!

Hm.

I seem like a happy person, yes?

Yes. I know I do.

While some of you have seen some bad sides to me, particularly in the past while, and others of you seeming some not-so-happy -B in my high school days, you all know that deep down I am by far one of the happiest and optimistic people out there.

Heck, both my names scream the quality of happiness:

Beatriz means Bringer of Joy and Abigail means My Father's or Fountain of Joy.

And it is true, even in my darkest moments, I've still been able to find joy and contentment in most all aspects of my life.

The Lord, primarily, but I am also richly blessed with the best family in the world, and more friends than one person could ever hope for. I am blessed with not just buddies, but a long string of friends in which I am allowed to cultivate deep relationships and that know me for who I am, and don't let me believe any lie over myself and that encourage me to be my best and to except the best because I deserve the best that have taken great care of me and that bring me within an a moment of peeing my pants in laughter. Oh yes, and I have the best job in the world and I love my school.

So why why why why WHY?! so I still struggle with things that should have been behind me years and years ago?! In a moment I manage to somehow negate all of the beauty and blessing in my life with lies and garbage that just has absolutely nothing to stand strong in, yet somehow seems to grow stronger if left unattended.
I baffle myself with my own weakness. Yes I know that Christ is my strength, but I must choose to walk in it, and even though I want to choose, in those moments of trial, why does it seem so impossible to submit? Surrender? Flee?

So, this is resolve. I'm not sure how this will play out, but in every moment I will do my utmost to turn everything to Him. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

Why?

Because even though I am richly blessed and highly favoured by the Lord, in walking in this Truth I must also learn to love myself. I don't hate myself. I know I don't. But it's about high time that I took care of myself and treasured myself as much as He does and as much as other seem to. I will not believe that I am unworthy because Christ sees me as worthy. And that's the only opinion that matters.

I'm past believing that lies people speak over me. That is not something I will ever go back to in Jesus' name, but now that I know Christ loves me more intimately, jealously and passionately than I could ever imagine, I will now work to seeing myself solely through His eyes, and not even my own. His eyes are the only ones that matter. I love me. I am perfectly and wonderfully made. He is my Sustenance and Provision. He will always satisfy me. Nothing else will do. And as He wishes to treat me, so will I treat myself. I'm in a borrowed temple. It's not mine to own. I've been bought with the highest price ever paid for anything in the history of everything.

So dearest, please, handle with care.

Love, B

The Greatest of These...

So I actually wrote a song.

My first song.

And I was singing it today and my boss mentioned that there was a lot of emotion behind it, which I figured there would be...but I of course love that it comes through, because that's why I wrote the song. Yes, I also wrote it for my friends Matt and Becky's wedding (ONE WEEK LEFT!) but as I began to plan, I began to think that I wanted to bless them more than just write some lame love song.

SO I turned to God and asked Him what He wanted me to say as a blessing to these two dear friends, but also as a song to Him.

Love is not a human concept. It is Divinely inspired. We love because He first loved us. I cannot love without Him loving me or without walking in this unconditional, gracious, passionate love. God has taken me through some ridiculous growth in the last while and it's been so encouraging to have Jesus reinforce what I mean to Him.

Through all this I know who I am in Him and my identity in Him. He's been there protecting me, guiding me, providing for me, loving me and singing over me with such a diligence and grace that has overcome me. And yet though He does this for me, He is captivated by me, overcome by my gaze, sees me as a lily amongst the thorns.

"I was made for love..."

Lord deeply root that into my heart. Though men break promises YOU have never failed me.

I am free. Heavenly Father I am free and victorious in you!

"Whom the Son sets free is free indeed and there ain't no chain that can hinder me!"

I've hurt so much but God's love has brought me through, refining me and transforming me. Through this process of self-realization, I've come to discover what I would do for love. In this case, earthly love.

I wrote it down a few months ago. It was more or less my promise to whoever God has planned for me of what I believe love is and what love does--how for it will go bearing in mind that this love is not just my own love or strength, but the love poured out on me ever so graciously and generously from my Saviour and King.

God pointed out Scriptures to me that were relevant to this, primarily in the Song of Solomon and of course 1 Corinthians 13.

And from there came my song. While the song came out kind of none specific, it reflects my heart for love and I truly believe it reflects my Beloved's heart.

It is the story of a girl, dark, but lovely being woo'd by The King.

"What is love?

Won't you tell me what is love?

Is it the words you say,

The songs you sing,

The way you look inside me?

What is love?

Tell me what is love?"

"You have ravished my heart,

Your eyes of devotion have captured me,

You are my love,

You're so beautiful,

You're my Bride,

You're the apple of my eye"

"What is love?"

"This love waits for you,

Is so kind to you,

It never gets too proud.

This love is jealous for you,

And only for you,

It will never be put out.

It will will rejoice in what is good,

And it will leave the rest behind.

Because love bears all things..

It believes in all things...

It hopes and endures all things..."

"What is love?

Tell me what is this love?

It is the words you speak,

It is the songs you sing,

The way you look inside of me...

This is love.

This is love.

I am my Beloved's and He is mine..."

Love B.